SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prince George, England’s 17-month-old heir to the throne, spent his weekend touring Santa’s Magical Journey in Thursford, a quaint parish in the county of Norfolk. The little prince, sources explained, “gazed in awe” at audio-animatronic denizens of an enchanted holiday forest, including reindeer, penguins, polar bears and elves -- all set amid the backdrop of festive lights, ornaments and artificial snowfall. Several guests attending the yuletide experience chuckled when the future king exclaimed that he hadn’t seen so much snow and so many midgets since his uncle Harry’s last birthday party. The attraction’s general manager described George as having “a lovely time,” although she admitted that spectators became increasingly uncomfortable every time George hugged a robotic reindeer and shouted, “I love you, GaGa Camilla!”
The highlight of George’s visit, naturally, should have been a private meeting with Father Christmas. Unfortunately, according to members of Santa’s staff, the jolly old elf and the tiny monarch didn’t get on well at all. George’s parents, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, rushed their son away from the heated altercation, which ended with Santa calling George “a right tosser -- a spoiled, soulless, inbred plonker to rival King Joffrey” and George threatening to “raze the blasphemous kingdom of this hobknocking Northern nonce like Ireland’s ginger stepchild.”
The problems ostensibly arose when Father Christmas presented George with a wooden toy train, a token the young royal considered unbefitting his rank. An argument quickly ensued about Santa’s claims of dominion over the North, which George sees as a strategic geopolitical stronghold against invading zombies that are currently held at bay from behind a massive wall of ice. It’s also full of untaxed, undocumented and unpaid labor that Santa refuses to allow Western nations to outsource.
Upon receiving the thoughtless gift, George allegedly told Santa, “Winter is here, you sot!”
As the up-and-coming Supreme Governor of the Church of England, George also took exception to St. Nick’s undeniably Catholic origins, seeing him as a possible threat to the United Kingdom, similar to the IRA. However, he noted that the real Saint Nicholas was Greek and most likely brown, and that he was long since dead. George had seen the bishop’s tomb on a recent tour. This revelation brought all the other children in attendance to tears.
The Pretender to Santa’s Throne, as George referred to the faux Kris Kringle thereafter, tried in vain to convince the prince of his authenticity and promote the mythical attributes of Father Christmas, which ended with George flexing his sovereign powers to conscript Mr. Claus into naval service.
Despite the disquieting display, a lot of older Brits supported the decision. George, whom many accuse of being a lame-duck ruler so far, finally stepped into his role and made a strategic military decision.
“The little prince has a point,” one guest said. “Santa has intelligence on every person in the world and can traverse the globe at impossible speeds. Why shouldn’t he be forced to serve Great Britain? With Pakistan, ISIL, al Qaeda, Russia, North Korea, the uppity papal Irish, the CIA and the queer rabble of Hampstead Heath, what chance do pure Englishmen stand?”
The prince then ordered Santa’s elves into indentured service with GlaxoSmithKline to help mass produce new drugs and conduct tests on the indigenous people of the North Pole region. For decades, pharmaceutical experiments had been performed on Kenya’s impoverished. The Queen hopes the move to the “paler lands” of the Arctic will help curb the “dark” dalliances of sexually liberal grandson, Harry.
Despite her prior misgivings about William’s marriage to Kate, Queen Elizabeth said she felt confident that she could learn to tolerate, or eventually develop a sort of fondness for, her mixed-class great grandson. She’s even given George affectionate nicknames to reflect his diluted aristocratic and commoner heritage: “His Majesty’s Muggle,” “The Court Quadroon” and “The Royal Redbone.”
“Commoner though George may be, we’d rather an Occident than one of Harry’s likely accidents,” the Queen was reported as saying. Following the incident at Santa’s Magical Journey this weekend, the aging regent seemed much warmer toward George, expressing great pride in his instinctive grasp of the “traits that bespeak capable English kings.” Being a wealthy white male, the Queen emphasized, is merely a prerequisite.
2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.