Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Campus Fire Result of Students Celebrating Guy Fawkes on Wrong Night, Not Staging Violent Obama Protest

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Hundreds of students from San Narciso College were arrested Tuesday night after violent, politically charged protests erupted across the campus in response to the announcement of President Obama's reelection. Police say the incident started with an argument shortly after 9:00 p.m., which escalated in an exchange of racial epithets. Eventually, around midnight, a fire started as outraged students burned campaign posters depicting support for Barack Obama. "It was the fire alarm that alerted police to the mayhem," said SNPD spokesman Ren Williams. Some nearby residents criticized police for their three-hour response time. Williams attributed the delay to the students themselves. "This is one of the most staunchly Republican towns in the nation. Certainly the most conservative in California. Therefore, none of the students could locate a Barack Obama poster or yard sign within county limits. So they made their own. Some even constructed elaborate effigies. That process took them a few hours. And that's when the blaze finally began." But school officials painted a much different picture, describing the demonstration as a misguided attempt to celebrate Bonfire Night -- a British holiday also known as Guy Fawkes Day -- on the wrong date.

"This was not a political protest," Mayor Manny DiPresso insisted. "Based on what I saw this morning, I'd say the students were more ignorant of British customs than the illegitimate rape of American democracy we were forced to endure last night."

One frightened motorist passing through Bennington Vale on his way to the North Viaduct area called authorities from his cell phone and reported a large crowd of young people "dressed in KKK robes, lighting things on fire." He also told police that some of the students were hanging ropes from the limbs of trees.

DiPresso scoffed at the concerns.

"As I told you, the students were attempting to bring an old English tradition to the States, and merely misunderstood its conventions," the mayor said, dismissing the witness' testimony. "They thought Bonfire Night was like Halloween. And there are a few passing similarities. The Student Body Council assured my office that the students were dressed as ghosts. And those boys and girls tied to the burning stakes were not 'gays.' On Bonfire Night, kids burn 'guys' -- straw effigies of Guy Fawkes, a terrible traitor who tried to kill King James...the man responsible for bringing us the Bible."

One school administrator who was present during the initial argument called the rumors of racial name-calling preposterous: "The only thing I overheard was a very spirited discussion about Niger and the recent hostage situation there. In fact, one student actually praised Mr. Obama, boasting that the president could swim all the way back to Kenya with Rahm Emanuel under his arm."

As for the ropes, DiPresso said they had been put there by the city, but refused further explanation. He mentioned only that Christmas "is just around the corner, and our decorations are quite large and heavy. As large as our love for Jesus and as heavy as our hearts for the fate of this once great nation."

No charges were filed against the students involved.

In other post-election news, women have been warned to stay home for the next few weeks in case the government attempts to roll out its planned mandatory abortion laws, and write-in presidential candidate F. Chester Greene has yet to concede the race. More on those stories as they develop.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.