"This was not a political protest," Mayor Manny DiPresso insisted. "Based on what I saw this morning, I'd say the students were more ignorant of British customs than the illegitimate rape of American democracy we were forced to endure last night."
One frightened motorist passing through Bennington Vale on his way to the North Viaduct area called authorities from his cell phone and reported a large crowd of young people "dressed in KKK robes, lighting things on fire." He also told police that some of the students were hanging ropes from the limbs of trees.
DiPresso scoffed at the concerns.
"As I told you, the students were attempting to bring an old English tradition to the States, and merely misunderstood its conventions," the mayor said, dismissing the witness' testimony. "They thought Bonfire Night was like Halloween. And there are a few passing similarities. The Student Body Council assured my office that the students were dressed as ghosts. And those boys and girls tied to the burning stakes were not 'gays.' On Bonfire Night, kids burn 'guys' -- straw effigies of Guy Fawkes, a terrible traitor who tried to kill King James...the man responsible for bringing us the Bible."
One school administrator who was present during the initial argument called the rumors of racial name-calling preposterous: "The only thing I overheard was a very spirited discussion about Niger and the recent hostage situation there. In fact, one student actually praised Mr. Obama, boasting that the president could swim all the way back to Kenya with Rahm Emanuel under his arm."
As for the ropes, DiPresso said they had been put there by the city, but refused further explanation. He mentioned only that Christmas "is just around the corner, and our decorations are quite large and heavy. As large as our love for Jesus and as heavy as our hearts for the fate of this once great nation."
No charges were filed against the students involved.
In other post-election news, women have been warned to stay home for the next few weeks in case the government attempts to roll out its planned mandatory abortion laws, and write-in presidential candidate F. Chester Greene has yet to concede the race. More on those stories as they develop.
(c) 2012. See disclaimers.