Friday, November 23, 2012
Walmart Begins Black Friday on Thursday, Over 20 Trampled to Death as Employees Rushed to Make Their Shifts
A History of Violence
In 2011, a throng of rabid shoppers rushing out of the mall like a mythical Sumerian deluge proved no match for eight members of ABRA CADABRA who were protesting outside. Following the massacre, most of the residents responsible for crushing five ABRA CADABRA representatives to death said they never even saw them.
Bethany Brightslice, a homemaker from Bennington Vale, was involved in last year's incident. She told reporters she had no idea what was really happening.
"How could anyone tell the difference between the black girl selling facial cream at the kiosk and the black man with the ideological and politically charged civil rights posters?" she explained. "All I knew was that Gottsgeld was selling out of reduced price iPads, lemon zesters and Amish-made faux fireplace heaters. It was an honest mistake, which is why the police didn't press any charges."
"I don't know what the hell folks are thankful for on this holiday," lamented Green. "First off, our cracker radio station's always playing Arlo Guthrie’s 'Alice's Restaurant' after dinner. It's about a bunch of spoiled white kids who 'take on the system' because they don't like the city's policy about using the garbage dump. Boo hoo, man. Then we have to endure the humiliation of flying monkeys on 'Wizard of Oz,' which they always show after Thanksgiving. And if all that weren't bad enough, the day is known as 'Black Friday.' I think they call it that because the stores sell everything cheap. You know, at prices BLACK brothers and sisters can afford. This year, though, the game changed when they started opening stores on Thursday, making employees work right after a big family get together. It ain't even about racial oppression anymore. It's all-out class war."
Black and Blue Thursday
This year, Black Friday got off to its earliest start in history as many of the nation's retailers opened Thursday night, some as early as 7:00 p.m. Employees, labor rights groups and even consumers took to social networking sites to voice their protests over corporations forcing workers to miss out on the holiday to be at work.
At Walmart, employees not only protested the early opening but also the company's efforts to silence workers who have accused the world's largest retail chain of retaliating against those who speak out against low pay and understaffing. Group members planned to use the Black Friday event to draw attention to their cause. But while hundreds turned out to demonstrate, the majority of Walmart employees appeared willing to cross picket lines to keep their jobs. In San Narciso, the rush to cut dinner short and clock in on time for work led to one of the county's worst disasters on record.
"This situation presented a new and very unwelcome dynamic to Black Friday safety," SNPD spokesman Ren Williams told reporters. "In the past, we've seen our share of tramplings and related casualties. Most of the time, the problems stem from desperate consumers flooding store aisles to grab deals or rushing employees at the doors to be the first inside. This year, it was the other way around."
Williams said area Walmart employees were told to man their posts Thursday night under threat of attendance violations that could cost many their positions.
"So immediately after dinner, most of the county's Walmart workers rushed to get to work," Williams continued. "They wanted to maximize the short time they had with family, and were already cutting it close. But when they pulled into the lot, a mob of customers had already gathered."
Witnesses described the scene as chaotic, tragic and frenzied.
"It was the most horrific thing I've ever seen," 29-year-old Millicent Mummsburg related through sobs. "The managers at the doors were screaming for employees to punch in on time. The crowds were trying to enter before the workers. The next thing you know, bloodied timecards were waving above the crowd like war banners, people were stampeded, bodies were piling up near the bike racks and the employees were grappling up one another's backs like they were trying to climb a grotesque mountain of disfigured flesh and Burberry."
In all, 23 consumers were crushed to death by store employees trying to make their shifts. Only five employees were reported as clocking in on time.
(c) 2012. See disclaimers.