Monday, November 5, 2012

Why Every Real American Should Vote for Write-in Presidential Candidate F. Chester Greene

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I'd first like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I'm a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I'm running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that's because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I'll only flip-flop on as soon as I'm nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I'd only let you down once in office.

My quote-unquote peers, on the other hand, clearly have nothing better to do with their time, your vote, or all that PAC money they've raised. They don't care about you. In fact, one could argue that they really hate your guts. But I understand that dignity is precious; that your intelligence has done nothing to warrant insult; and I've saved my money to beat the spineless, vacuous waste of outside air who hopes to earn his coveted seat in the Oval Office. See, I've bided my time to go against that moron, who will probably be an elitist with a history of questionable spiritual convictions, wishy-washy policies, and serial marriages. Or, it'll be the Mormon. I'm banking on the write-in vote, which gives you more power over your ballot by transforming it into a mandate -- not a glorified Scantron. Plus, as a write-in candidate, I've got a better chance of earning your vote since you've no doubt realized what festering idiots -- of heroically vile proportions -- these candidates really are. If you're mad as hell and don't want to take it anymore, then write my name on your ballot for president. If you're not sure why, here's a list of my positions -- of the things we all should stand for.

Frankly, I think the current crop of candidates is overgrown with wussies -- weak, snivelling, panty-waste pecker woods. I don't play politics. I don't pull my punches. I'm a shrewd, vicious, cutthroat businessman who's succeeded because of a mostly unpoliced market. And now I'm ready to fight all the BS in DC for the US.

With that, I'd like to offer you, my fellow -- my real -- Americans, a heartfelt response to the lies you've been fed by Mitt and Barack. And by heartfelt, I mean in the sense of crippling acid reflux -- the kind you might experience after eating too many helpings of fried chicken or ethnic food never intended for American stomachs.

Healthcare must remain a pay-to-play model. If you're dying of lung cancer, that means you had enough money to buy cigarettes. You wasted that money destroying your health instead of preserving it. Why should taxpayers bail you out? No, we need to structure healthcare like credit cards. I propose a health card with fixed limits, based on creditworthiness. I've already discussed this concept with Discover Bank, a major lending institution. The bank is fully behind the idea. We're tentatively branding the cards "Recover." As your debt score improves, your available credit ceiling rises. If people have emergencies, they can put the cost of medical services on their Recover cards and pay them off at nominal interest rates over time. This process ensures that Americans receive medical attention while the care providers continue to make money off the interest. This keeps hospitals operating.

Fixing the economy is easy. People claim they can't afford their medical bills. So charge them to a credit card and pay them off. There's nothing revolutionary about that. But how are we going to combat the threat of creating a new American minority -- decent heterosexual couples? Let's talk about straights rights.

I propose a revision to the current sex education program in public schools, mandating that gay porn be shown alongside the standard curriculum of basic physiology and reproductive processes.

I know it sounds awful, but that's precisely the point. The best way to understand one's enemy is to study him. We need to get inside him and cram our points down his throat. And we need to show the public the ungodly behavior these people engage in. Look, in a side-by-side comparison, the problems with gay sexual congress become obvious. First, we explain to the kids the normal reproductive act, as we always have. But taking the same chart and showing how it works for homosexuals will immediately cause the kids to question everything about it. There's no way to reproduce in that model. It invalidates everything about sex. And once they understand just how horrifying and impossible homosexuality is, these future leaders will rise up and take action. Remember, sodomy and lesbianism were acceptable in ancient Rome. They may still be. But the Romans killed Jesus. Then their empire collapsed. Now we have the Middle East. I'm told there's an old saying there: "Boys are for practice, men are for intimacy, and women are for babies." Well, al Qaeda terrorists aren't going to be practicing on our boys, not on my watch! Those boys belong to us.

All this clean energy nonsense needs to go away, pronto. Socialists want you to believe that wind is "clean" energy. Is it, though? You ever seen the mess left all over your patio or swimming pool after a gale? Of course it's not clean. It's green, all right, but that's because it's full of pollution from factories and cars and trash. And it's just blowing all the pollution around. We should be focusing our efforts on natural gas (has the word "natural" right in it) and coal and oil. Consider this: what are you going to cook with if Obama bans oil production? Corn and olive farmers will go out of business. Restaurants will close down. More economic hardships, hunger, and unemployment.

Education reform is a huge part of my platform. These commie politicians have teachers wrapped around their fingers, and they love to reiterate their commitment to science -- another heavily subsidized special interest group, made up of academics who lack the skills to leave school and become part of America's dying workforce. One of my aides looked up the word "science" in the dictionary. It's a Latin word that means "knowledge." Isn't knowledge what our children are supposed to be gaining in school? Yes, it is. So why are we spending billions of dollars on the redundant industry called Science? Let's get rid of these people and work to get our teachers back up to speed. Problem solved. Plus, our teachers won't be filling students' heads with absurd and unproven theories such as global warming, evolution, Ohm's Law, or gravity. They will teach the skills we need: math, computer programming, manufacturing, auto shop, drafting, economics, and...wait for it...science. It's time to take the trash out, people.

And although it's a touchy subject for the atheists, Muslims, and cultists running for office in the big parties, religion must be discussed in our political discourse. We are most definitely a Christian nation. Period. Muhammad never claimed to be God. Moses never claimed to be God. Buddha? Nope. Only Jesus. Only this man had the gall to proclaim himself Lord. So if we're a nation under God, that can only mean we follow Jesus. Every other religion in this country will be given a chance to renounce its faith and convert. Otherwise, banishment. It's the American way. It's in the damn Constitution.

The most troubling aspect of the 21st century is Americans falling prey to the specious rhetoric of career politicians like Mr. Obama, who have convinced a majority of people that they can't survive without the benevolent protection the sprawling federal overlords have graciously extended. They tell us what temperature our food must be, they tell us what homes we can buy, they tell us that we're incapable of teaching our kids or policing our streets or putting out fires or owning other people. We are no longer a nation of free men. We are nation of helpless, molly-coddled children suckling at the teat of an ATM. That's what the government is, an ATM. But just as with an ATM, the money is coming out of our pockets on top of some conspiratorial convenience fees.

I say it's time to start stuffing your money back into the mattress. It's time to fight against unification and work toward independence, which is the cornerstone of freedom. Put me in office, fellow Americans, and I will work to put myself right back out of office as I destroy the monstrous forced labor camp that is the U.S. government. Would you rather live in joy or in a Joy Division? As of today, you still have the power to vote. Choose wisely. Tomorrow, go Greene.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.
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