SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Hard to believe how quickly time flies, but it’s been five years since Mel Gibson’s tumultuous arrest for drunk driving along Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, Calif. Gibson’s run-in with L.A. County Sheriff’s Deputy James Mee garnered more attention for the actor’s anti-Semitic rant than the DUI itself. During the 2006 incident, after being pulled over and detained for driving while intoxicated, Gibson became agitated and profane. The police report claimed that Gibson told Mee, “You mother f****r. I’m going to f*** you.” The deputy also stated that Gibson launched into a torrent of anti-Semitic ravings: “F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Gibson then asked the deputy, “Are you a Jew?”

Sources close to Gibson say that he hasn’t touched a drop of booze since the incident, and claims a new outlook on alcoholism and the role of Jews in the world.

“Mel has achieved a much greater sense of clarity since he stopped drinking, and I think it’s unfair that the media keeps portraying him as a drunk,” one friend opined. “When he threatened to kill [estranged girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva] or said that it would be her fault if she got ‘raped by a pack of niggers’ or referred to Latinos as ‘wetbacks,’ he was perfectly sober.”

Gibson told reporters that he not only embraces his new-found sobriety (the actor began drinking at age 13) but that it has given him a different perspective on the world.

“I’ve said and done a lot of things I regret. Driving drunk in Malibu, for example, when I should have been driving drunk in Mexico or by some Injun [sic] casino, where nobody would have noticed or given a crap. Allowing Tina Turner a role in a successful film franchise. Bad idea to get those people involved in a profitable enterprise. For saying in an interview that ‘gays take it up the ass,’ when in fact I found out they take it in other places too. For apologizing to Playboy for saying that feminists had it out for me because I referred to some of them as c***s. I now understand that this term can refer to people of all genders, and that nobody, regardless of sex, enjoys hanging around a bunch of c***s any more than I do.”

But mostly, Gibson says he’s taken a step back and examined some of the blame he’s ascribed to Jews over his lifetime.

“Not tickling the vodka every day has really let me focus on how I’ve treated Jews. I admit, I’ve been wrong. Jews aren’t responsible for every war in the world. Look at the Holocaust. I no longer see a reason to deny it, or to believe that Jews caused it. Polacks did. But the Jews made it all about themselves, and the rest of world got dragged into what could’ve been a little skirmish. It didn’t need to turn into something on the scale of William Wallace. But that’s how they subvert things. The Romans killed Christ, but the Jews influenced it. See how it works? Earlier this year, the Jews did it again when they dredged up some old Jew expression to impugn Sarah Palin after she made her innocent ‘blood libel’ comment. That could’ve destroyed the career of a great American patriot. And no, they don’t run Hollywood -- they control the puppets in the studios. Jews are even worse than I thought, that’s what I’ve learned. They’re Satan, they’re the ones pulling the strings, and they rely on their Jew-loving minions to execute their world domination plans. I was wrong to think Jews actually did anything; they just manipulate others to carry out their bidding. So, I’ve realized that Jews are the most villainous, corrupt, monstrous things on the planet. More dangerous than any of us knew. And if I’d kept drinking, I might never have seen the truth.”

Gibson celebrated his sobriety with a close group of blond, blue-eyed, Christian friends of European ancestry.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.