SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Obama once again abused his executive privileges Tuesday by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to close off parts of the ocean, pushing the United States one step closer toward economic ruin and communism. The president’s plan would create marine sanctuaries to protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises. The announcement, opponents say, demonstrates further evidence of Obama’s willingness to exercise his dubious executive powers to take over the world, kill thriving industries and destroy free markets.

“This is yet another example of how an imperial president is intent on taking unilateral action, behind closed doors, to impose new regulations and layers of restrictive red-tape,” said House Natural Resources Committee Chairman Doc Hastings (R-Wash.). “Oceans, like our federal lands, are intended to be multiple-use and open for a wide range of economic activities that includes fishing, recreation, conservation, and energy production.”

The proposed initiative would restrict 200 miles of ocean, effectively doubling the area currently overseen by the United States. Rightfully invoking Godwin’s Law, Republicans who are opposed to the measure dubbed Obama “Hitler of the High Seas.”

Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso’s Tea Party faction -- the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- called the president’s latest abuse of power “possibly the most insane, rogue and devastating action this fascist has taken against American interests.”

By putting such a large expanse of ocean off limits, Obama will immediately cripple the fishing industry.

“The president and his wife are always going on and on about food shortages and feeding starving children and blah, blah, blah. But with this order, he’s stealing food right from under their noses,” Olden-Whitely said. “No more fish sticks, no more sushi, no more tuna salad sandwiches. And not only is he robbing Americans of vital food sources, he’s piling on to unemployment by putting fleets of fishermen out of work. It’s 1972 all over again, when Congress outlawed whaling.”

Even worse, the ocean sanctuaries will prevent oil companies from drilling. Obama has consistently vowed to end U.S. dependence on foreign oil, yet by shuttering operations in the Pacific, Republicans attest, America will have no choice but to begin purchasing even larger quantities of oil from abroad.

“How the heck does Mr. Obama think this move will solve our energy crisis?” Olden-Whitely exclaimed. “Oil drilling creates, well, oil. Fuel we desperately need to run the country. It also creates thousands of jobs. And when accidents happen -- when oil rigs explode or tankers sink, and millions of gallons of oil start spilling into the sea -- thousands of other jobs are created; somebody needs to clean up that mess. But now there won’t be a mess to tidy. Now all those people will be out of work, too. It’s tragic.”

Republican leaders assured voters that they would adamantly refuse to sponsor any motions to increase spending for oil produced overseas. They endorsed the wiser, more responsible alternative of starting another armed conflict with a sovereign, oil-rich nation in the Middle East.

Apart from the obvious perils of food and oil shortages, however, Olden-Whitely cautioned against another terrible threat facing the United States under Obama’s plan.

“What do we do with all our trash?” he asked bluntly. “We’re running out of places to dump garbage or dispose of toxic waste. Our landfills are reaching capacity, thanks in part to Obama protecting federal lands. Now he’s closing off one of our primary dumping grounds for rubbish and refuse. By the end of summer, our cities and parks and forests will look the Pacific trash vortex. It’s a horrifying sight to see, and not one Americans would welcome in their neighborhoods. But the president isn’t giving them a voice or a choice. He’s too busy protecting the environment instead of the country.”

Olden-Whitely added: “First he thinks he’s king of America, now he thinks he’s King Neptune.”

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