SAN NARCISO COUNTY PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT -- The San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing past New Year's Eve traditions can be dangerous, and could result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating the new year, engage in dangerous behavior, which includes breaking IKEA dishes on their neighbors’ porches, the practice known as “hogging,” and hamster juggling. However, people must realize the dangers posed by their actions and the possible repercussions.

Mayor Manny DiPresso advised that while he has no idea where these traditions originated, they have no place in the suburbs.

Courtesy of TV Guide

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. -- After 20 years of marriage, Indiana-based musician John Mellencamp and his wife, model Elaine Mellencamp, have announced their separation. A divorce is expected early in 2011. A representative for the family says that the Mellencamps "are proud of their 20 years together and are very happy with their accomplishments both as parents and as a family."

The couple had originally intended to stay in Indiana to raise their children, but friends think the Mellencamps will relocate -- especially after surviving what Hoosiers called an apocalyptic earthquake, and Californians largely ignored.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- This month, numerous headlines alleging the deaths of celebrities such as Owen Wilson, Eddie Murphy, Charlie Sheen, and Aretha Franklin have been posted on social networking sites. In every case, the obituary was proven to be a hoax. However, the individual responsible for promoting the false reports managed to drive an obscene amount of unwarranted Internet traffic to his site, proving just how effective SEO programs can be. Today, according to local police, that man has been found dead.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Tucker Carlson, a conservative media personality and recovering bow-tie enthusiast, roiled the already muddied waters of sports and politics today by calling for the execution of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick. While football fans and sports reporters attributed the comments to Vick’s performance against Minnesota on Tuesday night, Vick’s former tailor says the controversy stems from Carlson finding a three-year-old newspaper and discovering that Vick tortured, drowned, and hanged pit bulls. Outraged, Carlson donated thousands of dollars to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and demanded that police arrest and kill Vick using the same methods the football star employed to dispatch his animals.

OP-ED -- New Year’s Eve is almost upon us. As the CEO of San Narciso’s premier radio station, I don’t focus a lot of attention on television. Moving images take away from the sound spectra that surround us, the chords and frequencies and timbers and harmonics. But old films, the classics, now that’s where it’s at. Where it’s always been, right? Where the writing mattered. Where it was about the words, people, not the visual distractions. And it seems the only time we get to partake is around the holidays.

So what the hell is going on here? I’m speaking to you, Rolf Funch, president of RJ Fletcher Communications. What kind of world makes us sit through Dick Clark’s loathsome post-stroke aphasia during every New Year’s Eve special from now until the End Time, out of some misguided notion of tradition? I recall the first time I had to see it. Nearly put me off my lunch. It was one of those horrific and intolerable moments where I was forced to feel embarrassment for another human being. But it was Dick Clark. And that’s a tradition. An American tradition.