Courtesy Twisted Pictures

PHILADELPHIA, Penn. -- Republican Charlie Dent (R-Penn.) has emerged as the lead co-sponsor of embryonic stem cell legislation, offering key Republican support for a controversial bill that nearly all social conservatives revile. Dent’s peers in the GOP, who roundly objected to the bill on religious and moral grounds, claimed that stem research destroys viable embryos for the purposes of harvesting cells. However, Dent argued that the bill “does establish ethical criteria for stem cell research, and I think that’s very, very important.” To be eligible for federal funding, Dent explained, researchers could use only leftover embryos (those never implanted in a woman) that would otherwise be discarded.

Despite Dent’s efforts to explain the simple and logical science behind the process, his intelligently designed counterparts continued to warn that stem cell research would ultimately lead to a cannibalistic society from the pages of science fiction’s most horrifying dystopias: “It’s bad enough that liberals in Congress keep pushing for this mythical ‘Green Energy,’ now we have someone within our ranks carrying the banner for ‘Soylent Green Energy.’”

Johnson & Johnson has announced yet another Tylenol recall. The most famous incident occurred in 1982, when the company spent over $100 million removing tampered, cyanide-laced bottles from store shelves. Now, Johnson & Johnson is recalling more than 60,000 bottles of Tylenol Extra Strength Caplets due to a musty, moldy odor. Investigators with the FDA accused J&J of cutting corners by filling bottles with product they deemed "generic to the most absurd extremes."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- According to a baffling study printed by the Associated Press, a child dies in a portable pool every five days. The study, produced by the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, is the first of its kind. And while the study’s authors say the statistic demonstrates the need for consumer education and affordable protection devices, the child’s distressed parents are demanding an explanation from scientists as to how their son, Jack, continues to drown once a week and then resurrect.

WATERLOO, Iowa -- Conservative Republican Michele Bachmann appeared this weekend in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, to kick off her official run at the 2012 presidential race. Bachmann had hoped to reestablish her credentials as a true native of Iowa, a strategically influential state for politicians seeking the nation’s highest office. However, Bachmann set a dark tone for her campaign when she boasted of sharing a kindred spirit with one of the city’s most infamous residents, serial killer John Wayne Gacy: “Well what I want them to know is just, like John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.”

WICHITA, Kan. -- Campbell Webb, an unassuming and soft-spoken lineman for AT&T, was arrested in May for illegal wiretapping. He was arraigned Friday in court, with AT&T attorneys supplying evidence for the prosecution. Interestingly, Webb didn’t deny the allegations of wiretapping, but his testimony painted the portrait of a lonely eavesdropper more than that of a criminal mastermind.