SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Newt Gingrich suffered a crushing blow to his campaign with a double-digit loss to Mitt Romney in Florida, he told his supporters: "It is now clear this will be a two-person race between the conservative leader Newt Gingrich and the Massachusetts moderate." And while many dispute the notion that Romney is as liberal as Gingrich claims, there can be little doubt that Gingrich managed to capture the votes of religious conservatives in South Carolina and Florida. Now, reeling from their defeat, angry Christian groups are seeking to illustrate the godlessness of modern society and the need for politicians such as Gingrich. On Tuesday, they lashed out at actress Kristen Bell, identifying her as a "satanic influence" and accusing her of "peddling sin and filthy, filthy smut" to the nation's youth.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Pinkberry co-founder Young Lee, who was arrested after a confrontation with a homeless person turned violent, pleaded not guilty Monday to charges of assault with a deadly weapon. According to the police report, Young stepped out of his Land Rover at a Los Angeles freeway off-ramp and beat a panhandler with a tire iron. He attempted to justify the attack by claiming the homeless man had disrespected him by exposing a sexually profane tattoo. Young, an architect and former kick boxer, partnered with entrepreneur Shelly Hwang in 2005 to create the Pinkberry franchise, which is famed for its tangy -- almost vinegary -- tasting frozen yogurt. The chain earned an immediate cult following of irony loving celebrities because of its sheer awfulness. Young has been freed on $60,000 bail and is awaiting the March 5 hearing set by the judge. However, in a bizarre and related turn of events, another Pinkberry executive was arrested in San Narciso County late Monday afternoon for what could be a copycat assault on a homeless person.

NEW ORLEANS, La. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite President Obama's vow to continue bolstering conventional energy production, which he reiterated during Tuesday's State of the Union address, oil industry executives chastised the plan as not being aggressive enough. Obama pledged to open more than 75 percent of the country's potential offshore oil and gas resources. He also encouraged the extraction of natural gas from shale deposits using a controversial process called hydraulic fracturing, or fracking. Environmentalists criticized the president for caving to conservatives who, they claim, are willing to destroy the planet's resources in the name of profit and corporate greed. However, sources close to the White House say the administration may be ready to execute a deal with the Italian government and Carnival Cruise Lines, which could spark even more dissent among liberals and Democrats.

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I'd first like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I'm a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I'm running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that's because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I'll only flip-flop on as soon as I'm nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I'd only let you down once in office.

My quote-unquote peers, on the other hand, clearly have nothing better to do with their time, your vote, or all that PAC money they've raised. They don't care about you. In fact, one could argue that they really hate your guts. But I understand that dignity is precious; that your intelligence has done nothing to warrant insult; and that I'm saving my money to beat the spineless, vacuous, wastes of outside air that will eventually earn the coveted Republican nomination. See, I'm biding my time to go against that moron, who will probably be an elitist with a history of questionable spiritual convictions, wishy-washy policies, and serial marriages. Or, it'll be the Mormon. I'm banking on the write-in vote, which gives you more power over your ballot by transforming it into a mandate -- not a glorified Scantron. Plus, as a write-in candidate, I've got a better chance of earning your vote in November after you realize what a festering idiot -- of heroically vile proportions -- the nominee really is.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a letter to shareholders Wednesday, Netflix Inc. predicted that Amazon will brand its video streaming service as a competing standalone offering. The letter, published on Netflix's website, also said the company expects its rival to "continue to offer their video service as a free extra with Prime domestically but also to brand their video subscription offering as a standalone service at a price less than ours." Not only did Netflix executives describe Amazon's superior selection of titles and lower pricing, they also documented a series of unbelievable Amazon perks that included discounted company stocks for every three movies ordered, access to celebrity sex tapes before they get leaked to the Internet, a lifetime supply of popcorn, and free puppies. They added that Amazon Inc. "also sells a crapload of other really cool things."

In related news, Amazon stocks soared to record highs Wednesday and Netflix announced the resignation of its Marketing Chief.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.