SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Over the past few weeks, Catholic bishops have sparred with President Obama over the contentious issue of birth control, which they see as an issue of religious freedom. Mandating that faith-based organizations fund contraception, they claim, stifles those freedoms. Even though President Obama caved to pressure and exonerated religious employers such as hospital and universities, the Conference of Catholic Bishops continued to protest that the exemption didn't go far enough in protecting religious rights. "We've got to procreate as the Lord demanded," said Bishop Dick Reamer of the San Narciso County diocese. "We need to raise our numbers. At this point, it's a matter of competition. We've got the crazies jumping on board with Fred Phelps, the End Timers still clinging to hopes of Harold Camping, celebrities running with Scientology and Kabbalah, and like a gazillion Muslims to contend with. We need babies. Catholic babies." The anti-birth control stance within the church has become so critical that a priest was ex-communicated in January for counseling a family on the rhythm method. "It's still birth control," Reamer added. Amazingly, however, hardliners in the Catholic Church did a rare about-face Wednesday, with the Vatican issuing a papal decree striking down all previous condemnations against contraceptive devices and practices.

Davy Jones: 30 December 1945 – 29 February 2012. Rest in peace.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The International House of Pancakes (IHOP) is offering a free stack of flapjacks Tuesday to patrons across the country as part of its National Pancake Day celebrations. Although the food is free, the restaurant urges customers to leave a donation for the charities it supports with the fundraising event. The primary recipient this year is Children's Miracle Networks. According to IHOP's website, monies raised for Children's Miracle Networks support the hospital's mission to save and improve the lives of children. "This is a first world country with third world health problems," said Ivanna Niet, an IHOP spokesperson. "Our program helps Children's Miracle Network treat the unacceptably high number of sick children. Promoting a healthy life for these kids is our number one priority." The iconic restaurant hopes to achieve this goal by giving away stacks of sugary, fatty cakes drowning in butter and gallons of gooey, sweet syrup. "When you consider that this breakfast counts for 25 to 50 percent of your day's caloric allowance, that's a lot of food for free," Niet added.

ROME, Italy (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The operators of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, which sent 32 passengers to Davy Jones' Locker on January 13 after the inept captain grounded the vessel and then abandoned ship, are facing a new series of problems as another ship, the Costa Allegra, has been stranded in pirate-infested waters off Seychelles. Representatives from Costa Cruises, which owns the fleet, told the press that a fire in the engine room set the ship adrift in the Indian Ocean with over 1,000 passengers and crew members aboard. Late Monday night, the vessel was located 200 miles south-west of the Seychelles and about 20 miles from Alphonse Island, with only the emergency lights operating. Paolo Raspanti, a public relations officer for Costa Cruises, addressed reporters Monday afternoon, explaining: "Our motto is 'Cruising Italian Style.' Sadly, the name says it all. If you consider that Columbus bumbled his way to North America while trying to find India, you must acknowledge that we Italians are horrible sailors. Last night's incident with the Costa Allegra further proves that we have absolutely no idea what we're doing."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A larger-than-usual gathering of Catholics celebrating Ash Wednesday in Bennington Vale caused confusion and havoc among the community's predominantly Evangelical Protestant population. According to Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, the problem began with an incident at the area Trader Joe's.

"At first I wasn't sure what I was seeing," Fallopian explained. "These three women were standing in line with dirt smeared all over their faces. Normally, when you politely tell a person she has something on her face, she discreetly wipes it away and thanks you. Not so much on Ash Wednesday, it turns out."