SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the U.S. economy teeters on the precipice of the fiscal cliff, two lottery ticket holders -- one in Arizona and one in Missouri -- successfully matched all six numbers to win the largest Powerball jackpot in history. On Wednesday, the prize was estimated at $550 million, after the multi-state contest failed to produce a winner since October. A day later, when the drawing was held, last minute surges in ticket purchases inflated the jackpot to a record $587.5 million. The unprecedented stakes enticed many people who rarely play the lottery to buy into a chance at the second-largest payout in U.S. history, behind the Mega Millions in March 2012 -- among them, a coalition of House Republicans who had worked on a secretive financial rescue deal called "Project Magic Beans."

Lindsay Lohan, 26, prematurely aging

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Comedienne Jenny Johnson not only caused Chris Brown to delete his Twitter account this weekend, she also embroiled herself in a war of flared tempers and deep passions, which has culminated in death threats. Brown -- "Breezy" to his fans -- has a public history of abuse, uncontrollable rage, and rash, provocative outbursts. Yet through it all, the R and B singer's devotees seem willing to forgive his every transgression and defend his dysfunctional behavior against all rational criticism. The latest target of Breezy's zealous admirers is Jenny Johnson, who propelled herself to social networking infamy Sunday when she bashed Brown in a sardonic reply to his Twitter post about premature aging. Brown's original post declared, "I look old as f***. I'm only 23..." Johnson quickly retweeted his message and added, "I know! Being a worthless piece of s*** can really age a person." Since the exchange this weekend, Johnson has received threats ranging from stabbing to raping and killing. Some Team Breezy adherents posted on other prominent sites that they would carry out the deed if given the chance. Less homicidal supporters accused Johnson of libel, which is essentially at the crux of the debate. However, despite the outpouring of hate, Johnson has found allies in the medical community and, more unlikely, in Lindsay Lohan, who admitted that she knows firsthand how "being a worthless piece of s*** can really age a person."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The peaceful Southern California hamlet of Bennington Vale was again rocked by multiple deaths and countless injuries during Black Friday sales events. Last year, five members of a small and sometimes militant African American rights group in San Narciso County were trampled to death outside the Gottsgeld department store in Santa Calcetines' Buffum Plaza Mall. According to Lionel Tyrone Lincoln Green -- head of San Narciso's Angry Black Revolutionaries Against Caucasian Aristocracy, Despotism and Black Repression Association (ABRA CADABRA) -- Thanksgiving and Black Friday represent some of the worst examples of white oppression and entitlement in America next to the existence of San Narciso County itself. "The slaughter we saw last night in front of Walmart proves it," Green declared. But in a strange twist, police attributed the 23 trampling related deaths that occurred just after 7:00 p.m. Thursday evening to the store employees themselves.

"The first feast, so to speak, may also have been the nation's first Last Meal." -- Abel Wharfinger

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although the modern Thanksgiving holiday tradition in America traces its roots to the seventeenth century, historians believe earlier celebrations existed on the continent as far back as 1598, when Spanish explorers in Texas gave a feast of thanks at San Elizario. Similar events were also documented in the Virginia Colony. Abel Wharfinger, the dean of History at San Narciso College, said the Pilgrims "likely witnessed a type of Thanksgiving feast prior to their journey overseas while they were staying in Leiden. There, annual services were held to observe the end of the 1574 siege. This event probably served as the influence for the holiday we now celebrate. Although our Thanksgiving is not entirely original, we've recently discovered something about it that is."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Shares in United Continental Holdings fell during morning trading Thursday after the air carrier reported delays in many of its flights, which it attributed to a computer problem. Denver International Airport, a hub for United, showed nearly 30 flights stalled. Similar issues were cited with United flights at Houston Intercontinental Airport and Newark Liberty Airport -- also hubs for the airline. Just three months earlier, network outages crippled United's website and affected airport automation systems, causing delays and cancellations. Prior to that, in March, Continental's reservation system triggered glitches that led to delays, malfunctioning ticket kiosks, and downed phone lines; United purchased Continental for $3.17 billion in 2010, and had experienced difficulties with the integration between systems. Representatives for the company reluctantly admitted that Thursday's disruption stemmed from upgrading two critical applications used for in-flight navigational and operational support to Windows 8 and Apple Maps.