SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the Anchorage, Alaska, distribution center -- which processes mail to the North Pole -- were inundated Monday by millions of letters from children who received smart phones, tablets, video gaming consoles, laptops and other popular electronic items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped. "Why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just hours before embarking on his annual goodwill mission, Santa Claus admitted Wednesday that for almost two hundred years he's harbored growing doubts about the existence of children. St. Nick opened this morning's global press briefing on a surprisingly somber note, offering reporters a rare glimpse into the philosophical and spiritual conflicts that have troubled his soul since the end of the 1950s, when he first recognized his budding crisis of faith. Kris Kringle said: "I've been reluctant to talk about this, but I feel the time is right. A lot of dubious claims have been made, creating myths that just can't be justified in my mind. I've tried to rationalize them for years, but I can't continue living in a delusion." He then revealed that, among other things, no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the start of the financial crisis in 2008 through the end of last year, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) had closed 465 banks. This year, 2014, regulators shuttered another 232 failed banks. As it now stands, 10 percent of the banking industry controls 92 percent of its total assets. That’s created the impression among many people that massive corporate interests have steamrolled their way to power, crushing the little guys in their wakes. This perception became more poignant Monday, just two days before Christmas Eve, when regulators seized the assets of the famed Bailey Savings and Loan in Bedford Falls. Conservative policymakers have long defended these “heartless financial giants” as the heroes of the tale. And for Bedford Falls, a corporate banker named Potter, whom the town previously considered a ruthless and malevolent cad, has indeed emerged as a savior. The example of George Bailey -- the beloved proprietor of Bailey Savings and Loan -- provides glaring proof of how seemingly kind-hearted and altruistic subprime lenders are destroying their communities while promising them “a wonderful life.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prince George, England’s 17-month-old heir to the throne, spent his weekend touring Santa’s Magical Journey in Thursford, a quaint parish in the county of Norfolk. The little prince, sources explained, “gazed in awe” at audio-animatronic denizens of an enchanted holiday forest, including reindeer, penguins, polar bears and elves -- all set amid the backdrop of festive lights, ornaments and artificial snowfall. Several guests attending the yuletide experience chuckled when the future king exclaimed that he hadn’t seen so much snow and so many midgets since his uncle Harry’s last birthday party. The attraction’s general manager described George as having “a lovely time,” although she admitted that spectators became increasingly uncomfortable every time George hugged a robotic reindeer and shouted, “I love you, GaGa Camilla!”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) continues to take a lot of heat over the distressing revelations of its brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants in the wake of the 9/11 terror attacks. But now, the same masterminds who devised the cruel punishments want to make amends. So on Friday, the torture czars behind the CIA initiative put their expertise to positive use by publishing a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- and just in time for Christmas!