NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Rumors of a divorce for Yankees pitcher A.J. Burnett abound in the sports world today. But the dissolution of Burnett’s marriage has nothing to do with a romantic proposition from Madonna, as some have claimed. Spousal abuse, according to insiders, is the most likely explanation. Media sources close to Burnett have repeatedly described his wife as “spiteful” and “vindictive.” The news of Burnett’s domestic troubles have also caused many to wonder whether the black eye he appeared with in September was the result of domestic violence and not an alleged altercation with a teammate. If the rumors are true, they mirror a similar incident in 2002 that involved Cleveland Indians pitcher Chuck Finley and his wife, Tawny Kitaen, an actress known more for being music video eye candy than a talented thespian.


In the Finley incident, Kitaen administered a beating so severe that neighbors had to call 911. Said one neighbor, “We just couldn’t stomach the blood-curdling screams. It sounded like kittens being pitched into a meat grinder. When we learned that these horrific cries were coming from a professional athlete, we just sort of lost all faith in baseball. It’s like watching a champion boxer fall bawling to his knees over a child pulling his hair. Just tragic.”

The Yankees have invested over $85 million in Burnett, and the franchise says it will do everything in its power to help. Owners have already allocated a special fund to deal with the problem. Half of the proceeds, according to staff, will go to constructing a special muzzle and restraint system to keep Burnett’s wife from harming him physically. Restraining orders, criminal charges and home detention monitoring systems have also been mentioned. The other half of the money will go to sponsoring a physical therapy program similar to military basic training, where ball players work out, learn simple self-defense techniques, and, as one Yankees manager said, “man up and stop getting their butts kicked by girls.”