BREAKING NEWS

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

George Zimmerman Will be Vindicated Say Lawyers Who No Longer Represent Him

SANFORD, Fla. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Attorneys Craig Sonner and Hal Uhrig, who had kind of represented George Zimmerman until Tuesday, predicted Wednesday that their former-sort-of client will be vindicated for his fatal shooting of Trayvon Martin, the unarmed teen whom Zimmerman claimed assaulted him. As the situation stands today, Sonner and Uhrig seem to be the only lawyers privy to evidence that could exonerate the 28-year-old neighborhood watch volunteer. But in a press conference on Tuesday, the attorneys dismissed themselves as counsel and described Zimmerman as isolated, losing weight and "most likely suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder." Uhrig and Sonner went on to explain that Zimmerman had contacted the special prosecutor against their advice and then stopped communicating entirely. These actions, the attorneys claim, presented an ethical dilemma that led to their decision to withdraw from the case. Still, they maintain Zimmerman's innocence without reservation.

Both Sonner and Uhrig have come under fire from critics for stepping into the center ring of the media circus when their actual representation of Zimmerman was never clear.

"It couldn't be anything more than a publicity stunt," one legal analyst told reporters. "At one point, Sonner and Uhrig compared Zimmerman to the victim of Shaken Baby Syndrome, a bizarre analogy. I suppose you could rationalize your way there if the nanny weighed 95 pounds and the baby tipped the scales at 200. For me, that's about as sensible as Jonathan Winters' Mearth character on 'Mork and Mindy.'"

Despite questioning their client's state of mind and admitting a problematic relationship with him, which caused them to abandon Zimmerman's defense this week, both lawyers stand by their assertion that Zimmerman committed no crime, upheld the provisions of Florida's "Stand Your Ground Law," and will have his name cleared.

Even more interesting, Sonner and Uhrig confessed that they had never met George Zimmerman in person. All communication between the parties occurred via email, texts and phone calls. When asked why, they said: "It just seemed safer that way. Rush Limbaugh put it best when he called George a little overzealous. He's clearly very excitable and heavily armed. He fears fruit-flavored candies, certain articles of clothing, sudden movements and the sounds of other people talking on phones. In a face-to-face interview, any little thing we did could have provoked George into perceiving some sort of threat and opening fire on the entire office. Our receptionists have candy dishes on their desks, the phones ring constantly, and in this weather some people come into work wearing hooded jackets. We weren't prepared to perish like lame horses in a hail of bullets. Of course, we also acknowledge that George would've had every legal right to slaughter us out of utter, incomprehensible fear for his safety."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

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