SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The folks at In Touch, Life & Style are in touch with neither Bruce Jenner’s life nor style, according to ex-wife Kris Jenner, matriarch of the Kardashian clan. The magazine’s controversial cover, which bears the title “My Life as a Woman” and depicts the former Olympian in drag and cosmetics, attempts to out Bruce as preparing for a new life as a transgender person. The image is garish and shocking, but it also turns out to be fake. Staffers at the magazine Photoshopped the picture. And that has Kris outraged. “It’s just mean to do whether or not it’s true,” she fired back, somewhat equivocally. “Worse than that, it’s not even his shade of lipstick. Bruce would never apply such an unflattering pink; not with his complexion. Don’t even get me started on the rouge and eye shadow. I swear, it’s like a box of Crayolas vomited.”

Kris went on to denounce the article as a “cheap, tawdry attempt” to gain attention -- celebrity for the sake of celebrity, which goes against the fundamental philosophy of the Kardashian family.

“It’s awful and pathetic,” she snapped. “They made him look like a sex-starved lesbian hausfrau, circa 1982. Or the mother of some groupie giving out handies backstage at a Spinal Tap concert. Bruce is a real lady, classy, and he has a refined sense of style.”

In retaliation for the unflattering photo and unconfirmed expose of Bruce’s journey toward transformation, Kris lashed out at the editors of In Touch and vowed to sever ties with the magazine and all other properties controlled by Bauer Publications.

“They won’t get any ‘real’ quotes from the family,” Kris said, promising to banish any journalist operating under the Bauer banner from attending Kardashian-Jenner events.

“How could they do this me? Our family has built a thriving fashion empire, recognized worldwide as a leader in taste and trendy apparel. To insinuate, as they did with this horrifying picture, that the Kardashian girls -- fashionistas, all of us -- would allow Bruce out in public looking like some dowdy, frumpy, poorly-rouged church secretary turned thrift store drag queen is the ultimate insult. I want to make it clear to our fans: this mangled, fabricated Tammy Faye Bakker clown getup in no way reflects the Kardashians, our fashion-based enterprises or any of our other related brands.”

Kris then broke down in tears.

“I wish to God I could erase those images from my mind; they haunt me still,” she sobbed. “The split ends, the pink lip gloss that looks like juice from uncooked meat and that godawful scarf. I mean, it’s Stephanie Beacham channeling Truman Capote, hoping she’ll find some lingering dynasty of limp noodles who are still willing to scale Mount Pleasant.”

When asked if her former husband truly plans on changing his sex, Kris replied: “What’s that got to do with anything? The issue is that In Touch slandered my family. Since when did this become about Bruce’s personal life?”

Khloe Kardashian and fans of the family’s reality show showered Kris with flowers, condolences and sympathy cards, hoping to raise her spirits from the depths of the embarrassing joke In Touch made at the Kardashian’s expense.

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