SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump cried foul after President Obama held a press conference Thursday at the White House Rose Garden to issue two Thanksgiving Day pardons. The ceremony also drew protests from Russian officials and white supremacists, who viewed the official order as an abuse of power. Obama tied the event to a series of executive actions he has taken to jump-start the economy, and which do not require congressional approval. “Well here’s another one: We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys,” the president said. After some initial confusion, Obama clarified that the turkeys in question were two flightless birds being spared their places on the holiday dinner table -- not Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and FBI Director James Comey.

Obama Pardons Wrong Turkeys

Obama’s symbolic gesture, critics said, demonstrated the insidious and destructive policies his administration used to poison the nation over eight years. Trump’s apologists noted that the underlying message in the pardons exposed the socialist bludgeon Obama swung to cripple the economy, employment, immigration control and national security.

Pardoning the Flightless Economy

Steven Mnuchin, a former Goldman Sachs executive who is on the shortlist for Treasury Secretary, mused: “It’s interesting, isn’t it, that we have millions of Americans out of work who can’t put a decent meal on their plates, and this president’s done squat to create jobs? And now, if that weren’t terrible enough, he’s taking food right off their tables by sparing these birds.”

Gov. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.), on track to become Trump’s Agriculture Secretary, agreed. “It’s true,” he said, “there are too many unemployed Americans. And instead of looking for jobs, they’ve decided to denounce the one percent who are actually working to bring money to the economy. It’s their choice, so it’s their fault if they don’t have enough to eat.”

Pardoning Recreational Abortions and Fascism

“But I’ll say this in defense of Mr. Mnuchin’s assertions: the federal government has no business at all telling the people what they can and can’t eat, just as it has no call to tell farmers what they can and can’t sell,” Brownback added. “The only thing the federal government should control is a woman’s right to choose, banning same-sex rights and making sure the Ten Commandments stand outside every building in the United States. This turkey pardon, it’s fascism of the highest order. President Obama overstepped his bounds when he ordered that farmer to send those turkeys to a sanctuary in Mount Vernon instead of the local Piggly Wiggly.”

Pardoning Enemies in the War on Drugs

Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) found the pardons more suspicious than irresponsible. He pointed out that over 54 percent of the pardons Obama has doled out since taking office have been for drug-related offenses. Mr. Sessions is a serious soldier in the war on drugs, once denouncing the KKK when he discovered some of its members smoked pot.

“There’s a war on drugs in this country, people, and apparently drugs are winning,” Sessions said. “And do you know why? Because our commander-in-chief, an admitted stoner, is on the enemy’s side. I’d like to know more about those two toms. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that they have a history of illegal drug use, possibly involving Mr. Obama during his college days.”

Pardoning Illegal Immigration

Trump himself questioned the legitimate residency status of the turkeys, wondering if they had been hatched domestically. He demanded written proof that the birds were actually raised on a farm in Willmar, Minn., as stated. Obama has yet to produce the documents.

“All we have to go on is Mr. Obama’s word,” said Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, the newly appointed National Security Adviser. “I want to see documentation of citizenship. Are these animals from the United States? Otherwise, they need to be sent back to wherever they came from. Turkey, perhaps -- a haven for Islamic extremists. Drugs come from Turkey, too. The point is, we can’t allow these anchor birds to take over our farms. If necessary, we must build fences to keep them cooped up where they belong. President Obama should not be giving immigrant turkeys a special pathway, a special guarantee that all of them get to stay here for the rest of their lives merely by virtue of having come here illegally and laying a bunch of eggs. If you ask me, that’s just what Mr. Obama did here today with his pardons.”

Chris Christie Just Wants to Eat the “Big Chickens” Already

Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), GOP firebrand and former Trump ally, challenged the gravity of the pardon in his typically irreverent manner. He scoffed: “Like attacking Iran or stuffing every secretary’s envelope in the office, if you know what I mean, I’d ignore the pardon and eat those fat, ugly chickens if I thought I could get away with it...regardless of the rules. Rules are just like vegetables on a pizza or a Human Resources department -- they’re for sissies.”

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