SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For that odd one percent of the Bennington Vale’s unwed yet heterosexual population, Valentine's Day often marks a pensive evening of frozen dinners, cheap wine and a literary journey from “50 Shades” to Sylvia Plath. But don’t blame a dead saint. Esther Howland is your culprit. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she’d seen in Europe, using the resources of her father’s book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. The rest, they say, is history. A troubled, bleak, emotionally turbulent history of crushed spirits to honor a business bonanza that savages the hearts of the lovelorn. Fortunately, we at The Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in the hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Nearly 20,000 people have been evacuated since Sunday, when California’s Oroville Dam reached capacity and threatened catastrophic flooding. The spillway, which acts to prevent overflows by diverting excess water, was reported to be on the cusp of collapse. On February 10, sensing the imminent danger to property and life, Governor Jerry Brown appealed directly to the White House for issuance of a Presidential Major Disaster Declaration. However, the president did not respond for three days. But late Monday evening, Trump finally contacted Brown to say that building a wall to stop the flood of Mexican terrorists is more important than fixing a dam to stop an actual flood in a “terrible, terrible place like California."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 2, Nordstrom announced that it would stop carrying merchandise produced under Ivanka Trump’s label because of poor performance and declining sales. Just days later, the president fired back at the luxury retailer for dropping his daughter’s brand. The bizarre reaction drew fire from critics who accused Trump of violating ethics rules, using his office to settle business disputes and for abandoning an intelligence briefing to chastise the prominent department store. However, as Sean Spicer told the press, Nordstrom’s decision was a personal attack on the president -- a felony crime that warranted an immediate response. Since then, millions of Americans have rallied behind the treasonous company, forcing Trump to issue a warning on Thursday that he may “call in the Feds.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday evening, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell invoked an arcane parliamentary procedure, Rule 19, to silence Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) from protesting Jeff Sessions’ imminent confirmation as U.S. Attorney General. Warren, a known rabble-rouser in Congress, agitated Sen. Steve Daines (R-Mont.) thirty minutes before, while he was presiding over the Senate, for which she received a stern warning about impugning a colleague. Warren did not attack Sessions’ reputation directly; she instead read from an impassioned 1986 letter, written by Coretta Scott King to the Judiciary Committee, calling on members to oppose Sessions as a federal judge. The success of Rule 19, now referred to by the Trump administration as the “putting uppity harpies back in their place” maneuver, has inspired the president to ask acting Co-President Bannon when he can execute Order 66.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence made history by casting the tie-breaking vote that would confirm Betsy DeVos as the nation’s education secretary. Those in Congress who opposed DeVos’ nomination cited her lack of experience in the educational sector, exclusive private schooling and absence of a degree in an academic field. DeVos argued that the American education system is broken and needs rebuilding. “I don’t have any qualifications or relevant degrees or knowledge of public schools or any meaningful experience whatsoever,” she said. “And you put me in charge. That shows how intellectually compromised we are as a nation. The only answer is to destroy the system and await the glorious rapture of a new, blessed kingdom of alternative learning.” DeVos has already proposed radical reforms, including the introduction of a virtual cognitive enhancement process called Common Neurocore, loosely based on Britain’s Ludovico Technique, which “retrains the brain.”