Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Google Finally Unveils Project Glass, Promising a Future of 'Scintillatingly Aloof' Socialization

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After a long period of speculation over a concept called "Project Glass," Google finally put an end to the rumors Wednesday by unveiling a first-stage prototype to the public. The virtual-reality device, which resembles eyeglasses, is designed to take the functionality of a smartphone and make it accessible through a display built into the clear lenses. Based on the promotional video released by Google on YouTube, the device could be capable of showing text messages, maps, pop-up reminders, driving directions and video chats. Because the software will utilize Flash and HTML 5, users may also discreetly enjoy porn in public -- something Apple operating systems cannot accommodate. The glasses might be enabled to take pictures or record voice notes, as well. Like Apple's Siri, Project Glass seems likely to be controlled through voice recognition software. Critics, however, warn consumers to carefully consider the consequences of Project Glass, citing the YouTube video which portrays a bleak and lonesome world of self-alienation, where all social interaction goes to die.

Google representatives scoffed at these detractors: "This attitude demonstrates exactly how out of touch some people are. They must really think the rise of social media was about creating interpersonal interactions. Well, that's naive. Social networks exist to make dealing with others more bearable. You can't 'mute' your wife when she's nagging you or get her out of your face; but you can shut her down on a Google video chat by simply closing the app. With Project Glass, we're stretching that safe distance between physical and virtual relationships to new extremes. We're not talking feet or even miles, we're talking leagues. To paraphrase a slogan from Chevon, 'Do people suck after a while? People do.' But by adding Project Glass to our company's portfolio of social technologies, you can at least control how much and how often people suck when you're dealing with them."

The Project Glass YouTube film depicts a day in the life of a target user. The video opens with man donning his glasses and then spending most of the day talking to himself, without ever interacting physically with another person. Google has even factored romance into its equation, allowing the man a virtual, more tolerable love life. Through Project Glass, the protagonist's assignation is neither mundane nor tawdry. It's scintillatingly aloof.

He receives a reminder that notifies him to "See Jess tonight at 6:30 p.m." But the infatuated young gentlemen's not scheduled to meet Jess at a restaurant, theater, bondage club or other typical venue; he'll woo his lady love via video chat. The scene ends with the man serenading his paramour's avatar with a ukulele. Google claims that developers are working to incorporate a virtual ukulele, guitar, wandering violinist and mariachi band into the official Project Glass release, the date of which has yet to be announced.

Other critics blasted the concept as another distraction that compromises public safety. A representative from the Department of Transportation worried that Project Glass would cause motorists to pay less attention to road conditions.

Google engineers countered by discussing the company's fleet of driverless cars: "No one at Google is endorsing unsafe driving. We're against texting or using any technology in a vehicle that impairs the driver's focus. But we also believe in the future promised to us by Walt Disney in the 1950s. That's why we developed driverless cars. With Google, you can do it all."

Google pointed out that its car is also considerably less expensive than most vehicles that require a human operator. To offset costs, the Google car's sound system and radio are preset to play non-stop advertisements at high volumes for as long as the vehicle cruises at speeds above 30 M.P.H.

Google officials roundly dismissed all concerns and announced more sweeping and long-term plans for Project Glass: "Virtual relationships are a great start, but we're taking much bolder steps toward singularity. For instance, we're already working on next generation software applications that will create sensory experiences within the system to facilitate 'interactive intimacy.' The best part is when you're both done, awkward moments of regret or humiliation can be avoided. Just say, 'Close App,' and it all goes away. But what happens, for example, when dating turns serious? Well, we're hoping to eventually design hardware-driven receptacles that interface with both the software app and the user's genitalia to accommodate remote impregnation for those seeking a family status upgrade...from the convenience of an office, car, prison cell or other country. Love knows no boundaries -- or stress -- with Project Glass."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.