WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The CIA thwarted another suicide bomb plot involving underwear on Monday. Al Qaeda's affiliate in Yemen was attempting to destroy an airliner bound for the United States using a newly modified explosive device sewn into a pair of men's briefs. The more advanced detonation components could not be picked up by metal detectors or x-ray machines, bolstering the TSA's case for full cavity strip searches of everyone attempting to board a plane. Experts claim the bomb bears all the hallmarks of Ibrahim al-Asiri's handiwork. "The detonation system is of superior craftsmanship, but it also displays an uncharacteristic commitment to comfort and style," one agency spokesperson told reporters. "Let's forget the bomb for a second. This pair of drawers was expertly stitched, tagless, made from expensive Egyptian cotton, and offered full support and a chic contemporary look. Not your father's tidy whities." The CIA believes that neither al-Asiri nor anyone directly engaged with al Qaeda designed the undergarments. U.S. authorities are now launching a full investigation into the operations of Hanes and Fruit of the Loom, the two most likely manufacturers capable of developing such high-end skivvies.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Ten years ago, nobody in San Narciso would have given Hart Garrity a second thought. He relocated to the North Viaduct area of the county from Venice Beach in the mid-1980s to make a new start. Garrity admits that in his wilder days, he was a hard-drinking, chain-smoking, coke-snorting, motorcycle-riding, heavily tattooed rebel whose arrest record contained more information about his life than his resume. But today, much to his chagrin, Garrity has become a local folk hero for the counter-culture youth of Bennington Vale. And he wants it to stop.

“I came here to be left alone,” Garrity said, “not for a bunch of spoiled yuppies to idolize me or make fun of me -- I can’t tell which it is, but I’m getting goddamn sick and tired of being called a ‘hipster douche bag’ every time I leave the house.”

NOGALES, Ariz. -- The Southern California headquarters of Abercrombie & Fitch, which owns the Hollister brand, issued a statement today confirming the death of a controversial former executive.

Hugh Humbert-Lardwick, a regional vice president from the United Kingdom, made headlines in 2010 after leading a group of unwitting British employees to Hollister, California, where they suffered a harrowing two-day ordeal. Humbert-Lardwick’s vehement and widely publicized criticism of the city drew a raft of reporters to the sleepy Central California community, which resulted in more exposure than either of the Hollisters deserved or wanted.

HOLLISTER, Calif. -- A group of British executives representing 11 Hollister Co. stores in the United Kingdom suffered through a horrific 48-hour ordeal when they accidentally traveled to Hollister, California, mistaking it for the origin of the eponymous clothing brand.

“Instead of landing in a West Coast surfer’s paradise,” lamented Hugh Humbert-Lardwick, a regional vice president from Bristol, “we found ourselves roaming the streets of a town straight out of Lovecraft. Creepy backwoods people, twisted homes, uneven streets that led nowhere. It was just awful.”