SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- San Narciso County remains locked in a political and economic struggle to restore a sense of normality in the aftermath of Harold Camping’s failed Rapture prediction. County officials told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript that they are still unable to assess the full extent of the damage, marauding, and what is now being called the “Maxwell Street Massacre Redux.” Unfortunately, their efforts have been stalled by a new scandal stemming from accusations of senior abuse, involving three officers with the San Narciso Police Department (SNPD).

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- A new study finds that approximately one in every 38 children in South Korea may have some form of autism, which outpaces the U.S. estimate of one in 166. Researchers had expected to find higher rates by using a broader survey sample and by focusing on children in mainstream school populations, but they were surprised at how high the rates were. According to the report, two-thirds of the children with autism traits in the study had no previous diagnosis, nor had they received any special services.

Regis Ketamine, a leading sociologist at San Narciso College, called the results of the South Korean analysis troubling: “The U.S. must find a way to increase its number of autistics, if we are to compete against Asians in math and science.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- According to figures released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), autism disorders have increased more than 60 percent over the last four years. Behavioral health scientist Catherine Rice, Ph.D., says it’s difficult to tell how much this data reflects actual increases in the disorder versus improvements in identifying conditions. Geraldine Dawson, Ph.D., the chief science officer for Autism Speaks, told WebMD, “Two decades ago, we were looking at a prevalence of one in 5,000 children. Now we’re looking at one in 100. That really is a staggering increase.”

But this dark cloud has a silver lining. Scientists think they may have identified the mutated chromosome responsible for causing the onset of the disorder. More importantly, and perhaps more presciently, pharmaceutical companies released an unprecedented number of drugs targeted at suppressing it, months before it was even discovered.