SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Did you know that country music star Tim McGraw hates America? Apparently, he does. And it’s no longer a secret he’s stuffed in a closet presumably packed with gay skeletons, burqas and aborted fetuses -- he’s openly admitted it to the dismay of patriotic music lovers. “It’s innate in me to be a blue-dog Democrat. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, but that’s what I am,” he told entertainment reporters. “My wife and I and our family will do everything we can to support Obama. I like his ideas, I like his energy, and I like the statement he would make for our country to the world.” McGraw also likes to present the image of flag-waving country boy, but that flag no longer flies the glorious colors of the Confederacy. Even worse, this socialist peace-hawk is now considering a career in politics, a move that could pound the final nail into the lid of this nation’s liberty coffin.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Racially charged incidents over the past few years, seemingly on the rise, illustrate clearly that nothing is scarier to Americans than black people shopping, walking, talking or even thinking. The dark aftermaths of events in Ferguson, Mo., and Sanford, Fla., where unarmed teens Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin fell to hails of bullets fired by the fearful, continue to haunt our national conscience. The legal showdown now raging in a San Diego, Calif., court, involving rapper Tiny Doo (Brandon Duncan), marks a new iteration in this ongoing dilemma: how can worried Americans suppress the threat posed by people of color who insist on co-existing with the rest of the population? Although Duncan is not tied to the nine shootings at the heart of the trial, he could face life in prison for lyrics he penned about them. Seizing on this potential legal precedent, Congressional Republicans say they are preparing to launch similar charges against President Barack Obama, another terrifying and influential black man who keeps saying uncomfortable things.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday afternoon, following a contentious televised altercation with a former Obama appointee, Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) ridiculed as insufficient the president’s plan to continue supporting the Free Syrian Army (FSA) -- a moderate terror group that, like the United States, opposes al Qaeda’s al-Nusra Front, the regime of Syria’s Bashar Assad and ISIS. McCain accused President Obama of rejecting recommendations from national security advisers to further arm and train the FSA. “The commander-in-chief needs to start behaving like one; he needs to get his head in the game,” McCain told reporters Friday. “This is foreign policy 101. You arm one terror group to eliminate another. And when those guys turn on you, you arm a new extremist sect to put down that rebellion.” Because ISIS is now threatening Western targets, McCain is seeking support for a bold move to arm American domestic terrorists such as the Ku Klux Klan, Symbionese Liberation Army and Aryan Nations to take up the fight.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Obama once again abused his executive privileges Tuesday by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to close off parts of the ocean, pushing the United States one step closer toward economic ruin and communism. The president’s plan would create marine sanctuaries to protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises. The announcement, opponents say, demonstrates further evidence of Obama’s willingness to exercise his dubious executive powers to take over the world, kill thriving industries and destroy free markets.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After another haphazard and hasty rush to promote Republican Party messaging on Twitter, the GOP removed an offensive tweet only hours ago that read: "Free at last! Kenyan-Muslim-socialist-Madrassa-food stamp-crazed dictator dies." The post was deleted by administrators of the RNC (@GOP) account on learning that iconic South African peace activist Nelson Mandela had died Thursday, not U.S. President Barack Obama. Defending the confused Mandela-Obama tweet, RNC spokespeople confessed to poor judgment but explained that the similarities between the two groundbreaking presidents led to an error "any reasonable person could have made when the news broke."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a third year consecutive Halloween, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce was forced to shutter the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opened Thursday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. As in years past, the event drew more police and paramedics than Halloween thrillseekers in its three short hours of operation. Signs posted around the county by event organizer Francis Baldhamer warned: "If you can't afford to have your pants scared off, don't wear any!" While only a few inappropriate teens took Baldhamer's message at its word, the problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for this year's event was "Death Panel: American Nightmares," a politically charged horrorshow that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, a military veteran working as a civilian contractor opened fire at the Washington Navy Yard, killing 12 people. The incident, one of several mass shootings over the last 24 months, set off waves of panic at the military installation, which sits just a few miles from the steps of the Capitol. FBI agents identified the shooter as 34-year-old Aaron Alexis, a former Navy Reservist from Fort Worth, Texas. Although Alexis had passed a background check in Virginia to purchase his weapon, his discharge paperwork illustrated a past history of gun-related trouble with authorities. Conservative lawmakers, officials with the National Rifle Association (NRA) and leaders of Gun Owners of America expressed outrage at the massacre, demanding to know why trained soldiers were unarmed within the walls of an Armed Forces facility. "We allowed our troops to be picked off like sitting ducks," one exasperated NRA representative told reporters.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Conservative lawmakers in the House of Representatives announced plans to file articles of impeachment against President Obama no later than Monday following what they called a "loaded statement by the president" that implied "aggression toward Caucasians." President Obama made a surprise appearance in the White House briefing room Friday to address, on a more personal level, the verdict in the Trayvon Martin case. In his most extensive public discourse about race in five years, Obama declared that "Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago." The comment whipped conservatives into a furor of fear and panic. As legal experts pointed out, Zimmerman's not guilty verdict under Florida's Stand Your Ground legislation demonstrated that Martin was deemed the aggressor in the confrontation. By extension, Obama equating himself to the slain teen could be interpreted as an implicit threat, as it was by white attendees at the conference.