Monday, February 16, 2015

Tim McGraw, Enemy of the State

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Did you know that country music star Tim McGraw hates America? Apparently, he does. And it’s no longer a secret he’s stuffed in a closet presumably packed with gay skeletons, burqas and aborted fetuses -- he’s openly admitted it to the dismay of patriotic music lovers. “It’s innate in me to be a blue-dog Democrat. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, but that’s what I am,” he told entertainment reporters. “My wife and I and our family will do everything we can to support Obama. I like his ideas, I like his energy, and I like the statement he would make for our country to the world.” McGraw also likes to present the image of flag-waving country boy, but that flag no longer flies the glorious colors of the Confederacy. Even worse, this socialist peace-hawk is now considering a career in politics, a move that could pound the final nail into the lid of this nation’s liberty coffin.

“It’s like cringing through an episode of ‘The Americans,’” noted Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE). “He’s deceived us all by embodying the outward ideals of an upstanding American, only to reveal that he’s a communist terrorist. Like a monstrous love child conceived between Joseph Stalin and Osama bin Laden.”

McGraw, once approached to run for governor of Tennessee, declined on the grounds of family obligations. Today, however, he’s expressed interest in vying for a Senate seat, citing Bill Clinton as his inspiration -- an immoral philanderer he called one of the best presidents to serve the United States.

“This must be a terrifying revelation to McGraw’s fans,” Olden-Whitely said. “To realize that your conservative hero has been stealing your money to promote the ideologies of America’s internal enemies would be as big a blow as discovering that Jesus spent his life trying to champion social welfare -- public assistance for a lazy rabble of poor moochers. Can you imagine?”

McGraw earned acclaim and adoration crooning about “The Cowboy in Me,” but now his fans are revisiting pieces such as “I Keep It Under My Hat” to determine what sinister thoughts may be lurking in the lyrics. Olden-Whitely believes he knows precisely what McGraw’s been hiding under his charlatan’s chapeau.

“After Tim McGraw’s disturbing confession, I think it’s obvious what’s festering beneath the brim of that Stetson,” he explained. “He’s thrown his support behind a racist president who wasn’t even born in this country -- an Islamic extremist bent on wiping out Christianity, stealing the earnings of hard-working taxpayers to fund a fascist regime enforced by soldiers of poverty, and killing off our elderly through Obamacare death panels instead of the more humane GOP process of eliminating pensions, raising the retirement age and ending Social Security.”

McGraw’s endorsement of Obama’s beliefs should also inform fans that he too supports replacing the American family with queers and transsexual deviants, and, like a black serpent in the garden, plying weak-willed women with new apples of evil, empowering them to butcher their unborn children with impunity.

“It’s genocide!” Olden-Whitely exclaimed. “That’s what Tim McGraw admires.”

On Monday, in honor of President’s Day, Olden-Whitely called on country music fans to burn their Tim McGraw records and stop giving the singer money he could use to help bankroll Obama’s American Armageddon.

“Every dollar you hand Tim McGraw becomes another dollar that goes to protecting the environment instead of protecting jobs,” Olden-Whitely cautioned. “He would back the president’s scheme to visit a new era of unemployment on the nation by gutting job-creating programs such as the Keystone XL pipeline, just to save a few dangerous animals and some trees that could be used for lumber and paper. And so what if the impact causes temperatures to rise a smidgen? With six more weeks of winter coming, I bet most folks would welcome the relief. The bottom line is that predatory liberals like Obama and Tim McGraw are so busy saving the world, they’re destroying the people who have to live in it.”

2015. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.