SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Archaeologists disclosed on May 1 that they had discovered the first conclusive evidence to support theories that settlers in the Jamestown, Va., colony resorted to cannibalism. Historians throughout the years have speculated that America's early colonists turned to this gruesome practice as a way to survive harsh conditions given the scarcity of resources in the New World. But recent findings from scientists at San Narciso College suggest cannibalism may have been practiced more routinely as a means to cure homosexuality -- not as a desperate attempt to fight starvation. "Considering the almost non-existent references to gays in colony annals, Jamestown may have been onto something," said Dr. Welles Snarling, the project leader and head of the university's School of Religious Anthropology.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In an apparent propaganda blunder Tuesday, which attempted to depict North Korean leader Kim Jong-un as a champion of his people by dedicating a new hospital, international watchdog organizations found evidence of cannibalism at the top of the country's social and economic food chain. What had always been suspected became reality today -- the North Korean elite eat their poorest citizens. State media agency KCNA released the publicity photo of Kim Jong-un visiting the Taesongsan General Hospital, being constructed by the national army, as a goodwill message. But by showing a staff of chefs instead of surgeons, the grotesque horrors visited upon the North Korean people by their leaders were revealed to the world on film.