SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) continues to take a lot of heat over the distressing revelations of its brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants in the wake of the 9/11 terror attacks. But now, the same masterminds who devised the cruel punishments want to make amends. So on Friday, the torture czars behind the CIA initiative put their expertise to positive use by publishing a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- and just in time for Christmas!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, as anticipated, Senate Select Committee on Intelligence Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein presented the long-awaited executive summary of the panel’s report on the U.S.-sanctioned torture of enemy combatants. Throughout the week, we’ll be covering key points unveiled in the summary. And today we’ll begin with the report’s overwhelming conclusion that no actionable or meaningful data was obtained as a result of torture. After Feinstein’s address, however, and despite a mountain of proof, former Vice President Cheney offered more examples to dispute the Committee’s assertions that “enhanced interrogation” techniques failed; but he also walked back his initial boasts amid revelations that the psychologists contracted as architects of the program were untrained: “It would’ve worked flawlessly if the CIA had used my proposed team of torture experts -- Eli Roth, Tom Six and Shia LaBeouf,” Cheney snarled.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Findings from CERN's Large Hadron Collider made waves in the scientific community recently by calling into question a popular physics theory known as Supersymmetry, which has been used to explain away discrepancies in the Standard Model for years. The observation of bizarre meson decay forced physicists back to formula this week to reevaluate established principles. While science has a lot more explaining to do, its attempts to unlock the secrets of creation have failed to rival the mysteries of the human heart that are puzzling psychologists attempting to dissect Gen. David Petraeus' sordid affair and discover why powerful people cheat. But in the course of their investigations, they found that even the mediocre and banal are cheating too, and that Petraeus' affair would have had no measurable impact on government or the election. "We really thought we'd be able to delve into this matter using a rather straightforward approach, but we've become mired in new and unforeseen perplexities," remarked Dr. Hilarus Lustig, chief psychologist for San Narciso County’s Office of Health and Human Services (OHHS). "The biggest challenge facing us at present is attempting to answer the question: Why does anybody give a crap?"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- CIA Director David Petraeus, a retired four-star General, resigned his post Friday after admitting to having an extramarital affair. The shocking revelation brought an abrupt close to his brief stint at the CIA and marred a highly lauded national security career. At one time, because of his pristine record, military decorations and exemplary conduct, Petraeus was considered a prospective presidential candidate. White House representatives said he met with President Obama on Thursday to tender his resignation over the infidelity. He had been married 37 years, although military officials said they suspected Petraeus of adultery for some time. The person most rocked by the discovery, however, was General Petraeus himself, who uncovered the scandal after coming across a series of incriminating emails that described an affair he was having with a former military officer named Paula Broadwell.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The CIA thwarted another suicide bomb plot involving underwear on Monday. Al Qaeda's affiliate in Yemen was attempting to destroy an airliner bound for the United States using a newly modified explosive device sewn into a pair of men's briefs. The more advanced detonation components could not be picked up by metal detectors or x-ray machines, bolstering the TSA's case for full cavity strip searches of everyone attempting to board a plane. Experts claim the bomb bears all the hallmarks of Ibrahim al-Asiri's handiwork. "The detonation system is of superior craftsmanship, but it also displays an uncharacteristic commitment to comfort and style," one agency spokesperson told reporters. "Let's forget the bomb for a second. This pair of drawers was expertly stitched, tagless, made from expensive Egyptian cotton, and offered full support and a chic contemporary look. Not your father's tidy whities." The CIA believes that neither al-Asiri nor anyone directly engaged with al Qaeda designed the undergarments. U.S. authorities are now launching a full investigation into the operations of Hanes and Fruit of the Loom, the two most likely manufacturers capable of developing such high-end skivvies.