SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the Anchorage, Alaska, distribution center -- which processes mail to the North Pole -- were inundated Monday by millions of letters from children who received smart phones, tablets, video gaming consoles, laptops and other popular electronic items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped. "Why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- LinkedIn, the prominent social network aimed at working professionals, updated its user agreement Monday and added a provision banning subscribers from soliciting or offering services deemed prostitution. Under a section entitled "Don't undertake the following," LinkedIn admonished its members not to "upload, post, email, InMail, transmit or otherwise make available or initiate any content that: Even if it is legal where you are located, create profiles or provide content that promotes escort services or prostitution." In what company representatives called an unrelated coincidence, nearly all male members of Congress dropped their LinkedIn accounts, stating they no longer found value in the service. Agents from the U.S. Secret Service also reportedly canceled their subscriptions on Monday, citing similar reasons.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to a statement issued Tuesday by first lady Michelle Obama, President Obama has kicked his inconsistent smoking habit, and has not indulged in cigarettes for over a year. Sources inside the White House claim that Mr. Obama’s decision to quit tobacco came after daughters Malia and Sasha asked, “You don’t smoke, do you, Dad? You’re not going to turn orange from cigarettes and cry a lot like John Boehner, are you?”

Since that conversation, Mr. Obama has committed himself to ending his reliance on cigarettes with the same zeal that Mr. Boehner displays in committing himself to their continued use.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- According to figures released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), autism disorders have increased more than 60 percent over the last four years. Behavioral health scientist Catherine Rice, Ph.D., says it’s difficult to tell how much this data reflects actual increases in the disorder versus improvements in identifying conditions. Geraldine Dawson, Ph.D., the chief science officer for Autism Speaks, told WebMD, “Two decades ago, we were looking at a prevalence of one in 5,000 children. Now we’re looking at one in 100. That really is a staggering increase.”

But this dark cloud has a silver lining. Scientists think they may have identified the mutated chromosome responsible for causing the onset of the disorder. More importantly, and perhaps more presciently, pharmaceutical companies released an unprecedented number of drugs targeted at suppressing it, months before it was even discovered.