SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Hard to believe how quickly time flies, but it’s been five years since Mel Gibson’s tumultuous arrest for drunk driving along Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, Calif. Gibson’s run-in with L.A. County Sheriff’s Deputy James Mee garnered more attention for the actor’s anti-Semitic rant than the DUI itself. During the 2006 incident, after being pulled over and detained for driving while intoxicated, Gibson became agitated and profane. The police report claimed that Gibson told Mee, “You mother f****r. I’m going to f*** you.” The deputy also stated that Gibson launched into a torrent of anti-Semitic ravings: “F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Gibson then asked the deputy, “Are you a Jew?”

Sources close to Gibson say that he hasn’t touched a drop of booze since the incident, and claims a new outlook on alcoholism and the role of Jews in the world.

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Based on the box office receipts reported from this weekend, moviegoers are more than a little reluctant to see beleaguered actor Mel Gibson stick his hand in an old beaver for 90 minutes. Gibson’s latest film, a dark comedy-drama directed by Jodie Foster, earned a meager $104,000 during its first three days of limited release. Having fallen from the pedestal he built for himself with blockbusters such as “Braveheart” and “Passion of the Christ,” Gibson had placed high hopes of recapturing his past cinematic glory on a tatty beaver.

Critics at Gibson’s press junket alleged that at several points in the conference, the actor blamed his current predicament on “messing around with the wrong beavers,” though they could offer no explanation on the meaning of the comment.

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Marty Singer, Charlie Sheen’s lawyer, demanded that Warner Brothers pay the actor for the eight episodes of “Two and a Half Men” that were cancelled in the wake of Sheen’s increasingly bizarre public behavior. In response, studio executives from Warner Bros. issued a lengthy letter citing every reason behind the decision to terminate one of their highest grossing stars, the primary problem being that Sheen “committed a felony offense involving moral turpitude.”

Not unsympathetically, however, the letter also acknowledged that “your client has been engaged in dangerously self-destructive conduct and appears to be very ill.” The following excerpts, which have been leaked to this publication, contain highlights of Warner Brothers' rationale in arriving at its ultimate decision.