SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, Comedy Central and NBC announced the departures of two pioneering fake news icons: Jon Stewart of “The Daily Show” and Brian Williams, managing editor and anchor of “NBC Nightly News.” While the timing is said to be coincidental, the similarities are eerie. Both men are highly respected within journalism circles, they represent a progressive voice in an increasingly conservative news environment, they are friends, and they have a rare gift for delivering fabricated stories with straight-faced gravitas. Millions of Americans took to social media this afternoon to express their feelings of loss and disappointment at the void both men will leave. The one difference, however, is that Stewart heads out on a career high, while Williams exits in disgrace. Unlike Stewart’s intentionally tongue-in-cheek and satirical fictions, Williams’ were revealed to break more toward perjury than parody -- or what NBC News President Deborah Turness called “broadcrafting, not broadcasting.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In January, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie became mired in scandal when revelations emerged that top aides in his administration orchestrated the politically motivated sabotage of the George Washington Bridge last September. Christie issued a brief public apology after the news broke, followed by two hours of self-indulgent, self-pitying and, at times, passive-aggressive assurances that he was “a very sad person.” Emails published by the Bergen Record presented indisputable evidence that Christie’s top staffers and allies plotted to create four days of lane closures on the bustling connector between New Jersey and New York. Christie fired those responsible and denied any involvement in the incident. But nearly four months later, the dark cloud that rained ruin over his career continues to show no signs of dissipating. On Thursday, the embattled governor and former GOP presidential contender announced that he had commissioned an internal investigation into his possible abetting of “Bridgegate,” which ultimately cleared him of any wrongdoing.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Thursday, after a day of silence and strategizing in the wake of revelations that top aides in his administration orchestrated the politically motivated sabotage of the George Washington Bridge in September, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie appeared before the press to issue a brief public apology followed by two hours of self-indulgent, self-pitying and, at times, passive-aggressive assurances that he was "a very sad person today." Emails published by the Bergen Record on Wednesday presented indisputable evidence that Christie's top staffers and allies plotted to create four days of lane closures on the bustling connector between New Jersey and New York. Christie fired those responsible and denied any involvement in the incident, but his hefty smorgasbord of inconsistent and dubious statements served to further implicate him as another big fat liar in the scandal, particularly when he told reporters he first heard of the emails while he was "working out."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Until 10 days ago, most Americans had never heard of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Which seems unusual given his astounding track record of disregarding political correctness in favor of making blunt, often weird statements such as implying bicyclists who are killed on roadways deserve their fates for having the gall to use thoroughfares intended for motor vehicles, or that "Oriental people work like dogs… I'm telling you, the Oriental people, they're slowly taking over." To his credit, Ford didn't go so far as to say "Oriental people" eat dogs. But there's always next week. Now, some media are reporting the existence of a homemade video that captures scenes of Ford enjoying crack cocaine. But instead of calling for his ouster, Ford's constituents seem to be defending him, and his popularity and notoriety have noticeably increased. Scandal, it would seem, is a mystical oven that bakes contradictions into delicious pies of irony . And lesser-known political figures in the United States want a slice.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In an unexpected development Monday, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will be retiring at the end of the month, marking the first papal resignation is nearly 600 years. The pope's letter shocked world leaders, Vatican experts and even his closest aides. Although a rare occurrence, there are no prohibitions in Canon Law -- the Catholic Church's governing code -- preventing a pope from abdicating his throne. Canon Law requires only that the pope quit of his own accord and publish his intentions publicly to validate the move. But in a time of deep schisms within the Church -- over conservative, outdated beliefs and myriad scandals -- those responsible for maintaining the Petrine ministry say they will act quickly to find a worthy successor to "steer the ship of Saint Peter" away from the rocky shores toward which it has been heading for over a decade. Several priests have already resigned or been prosecuted for their roles in countless child sex abuse cases. Pope Benedict himself experienced great difficulty in diffusing the situations. For that reason, Vatican officials on Monday announced the equally surprising move of hiring former Penn State University administrators to oversee the selection process for Benedict's replacement.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Chances are, if you've dined at Piers Addleson's Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch's wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Tuesday when rivals at the struggling Hearth Attack bakery discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess, "My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous."

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Findings from CERN's Large Hadron Collider made waves in the scientific community recently by calling into question a popular physics theory known as Supersymmetry, which has been used to explain away discrepancies in the Standard Model for years. The observation of bizarre meson decay forced physicists back to formula this week to reevaluate established principles. While science has a lot more explaining to do, its attempts to unlock the secrets of creation have failed to rival the mysteries of the human heart that are puzzling psychologists attempting to dissect Gen. David Petraeus' sordid affair and discover why powerful people cheat. But in the course of their investigations, they found that even the mediocre and banal are cheating too, and that Petraeus' affair would have had no measurable impact on government or the election. "We really thought we'd be able to delve into this matter using a rather straightforward approach, but we've become mired in new and unforeseen perplexities," remarked Dr. Hilarus Lustig, chief psychologist for San Narciso County’s Office of Health and Human Services (OHHS). "The biggest challenge facing us at present is attempting to answer the question: Why does anybody give a crap?"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- CIA Director David Petraeus, a retired four-star General, resigned his post Friday after admitting to having an extramarital affair. The shocking revelation brought an abrupt close to his brief stint at the CIA and marred a highly lauded national security career. At one time, because of his pristine record, military decorations and exemplary conduct, Petraeus was considered a prospective presidential candidate. White House representatives said he met with President Obama on Thursday to tender his resignation over the infidelity. He had been married 37 years, although military officials said they suspected Petraeus of adultery for some time. The person most rocked by the discovery, however, was General Petraeus himself, who uncovered the scandal after coming across a series of incriminating emails that described an affair he was having with a former military officer named Paula Broadwell.