SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The folks at In Touch, Life & Style are in touch with neither Bruce Jenner’s life nor style, according to ex-wife Kris Jenner, matriarch of the Kardashian clan. The magazine’s controversial cover, which bears the title “My Life as a Woman” and depicts the former Olympian in drag and cosmetics, attempts to out Bruce as preparing for a new life as a transgender person. The image is garish and shocking, but it also turns out to be fake. Staffers at the magazine Photoshopped the picture. And that has Kris outraged. “It’s just mean to do whether or not it’s true,” she fired back, somewhat equivocally. “Worse than that, it’s not even his shade of lipstick. Bruce would never apply such an unflattering pink; not with his complexion. Don’t even get me started on the rouge and eye shadow. I swear, it’s like a box of Crayolas vomited.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although temperatures are climbing back into the upper 70s and lower 80s -- the cool winter weather Californians are accustomed to -- January has been an unusually frosty affair, with daytime highs barely reaching the 60s. Yes, this brutal winter has hit the Southland hard. Hipsters say they’ve been forced to knit beard warmers. Beachgoers have resorted to wearing sarongs and hoodies. And many homeowners have confessed to firing up their jacuzzis, months before spa season. It was especially frigid on January 7 when locals packed the Bennington Vale Chick-fil-A to escape the cold for a spell. These diners were soon joined by a disheveled man -- clearly one of the homeless bankers from Hobo Gardens, the county’s “extro-urban” transient community. But Chick-fil-A, to the wide grins and approving nods of every patron in the restaurant, honored its Christian values by providing the hungry man with a free meal -- and then promptly wrested it from his grubby hands after identifying him as gay.

“The U.S. government has spent so much of its time spying on American citizens that if the attacks came from Sony, we would have known about it long ago.” -- FBI Director James Comey

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Wednesday, after nearly a month of speculation and circular arguments, FBI Director James Comey staunchly defended his bureau’s claim that North Korea orchestrated the cyber-attack against Sony Pictures in retaliation for its film “The Interview,” which depicts a farcical attempt by two American entertainment journalists to assassinate Kim Jong-un. The U.S. government has endured weeks of criticism from cybersecurity experts who believe the attacks originated from a source inside Sony. Comey responded that these private-sector lackeys “don’t have the facts that I have.” Regardless of where responsibility for the hacking falls, government officials feel confident that the evidence will point to a foreign source. “The U.S. government has spent so much of its time spying on American citizens that if the attacks came from Sony, we would have known about it long ago,” Comey stressed.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since North Korea’s alleged hacking of Sony Pictures, a belligerent response to the film studio’s lowbrow comedy about two TV interviewers who gain access to the rogue nation and are subsequently tasked by the CIA to kill its dictator, the DPRK has reclaimed its place in headline news. But not necessarily for what many might think. Rather than discussing the ever-erratic antics of Pyongyang’s minuscule but tyrannical autocrat, Americans are buzzing about a new fad in weight loss based on the North Korean diet of tree bark and dirt, which is sure to help millions keep their resolutions to shed unwanted pounds in 2015.