Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Letters to Santa Reveal Heartbreaking Hardships, Mostly from Disillusioned Conservatives

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The mountains of "Dear Santa" letters overtaking the back offices of postal facilities across the nation are still graced with adorably childish penmanship and misspellings, but this year's heartfelt scribbles tell the lachrymose tales of Americans in peril who are dealing with economic hardships, disillusionment and loss. But according to postal workers, most of these letters have been authored by adults -- conservative politicians and business leaders now facing the end of their decade-old free ride at the edge of a fiscal cliff, รก la "Thelma and Louise." Ephrem Kalthor, postmaster for San Narciso County, said he's finding that for every one letter by a child, at least seven are penned by conservative adults. "A lot of the children's letters have asked Santa to provide clothing and assistance for the victims of Hurricane Sandy," Kalthor told reporters. "It's very touching. And for those with displaced relatives back east, there's a palpable amount of worry in the writing. But nothing to rival the unbridled 'End of Times' dread we're seeing from Tea Party supporters who have actually bargained with Santa to kill the president, lobotomize women and help effect a gay genocide policy."

According to post offices in New York, where thousands continue to suffer from the devastation of Hurricane Sandy, families have written Santa to ask for basic essentials such as electricity, cleaning supplies and warm clothes. Other letters lament the current state of society still trying to recover from the nearly five-year-old economic depression. A woman in Chicago asked Santa merely to put smiles on her grandchildren's faces: "These are little kids that are around shooting and killing every day. They're afraid to go to school, and afraid to go outside."

"It's been tough this year to read the letters without wanting to take your own life," Kalthor admitted. "I mean, the letters from kids undergoing hardships in other states is unpleasant to hear about, but the emotional gutting conservatives are dealing with since Obama's reelection is unbearable."

"Dear Santa," Kalthor read from one letter, "how are things in the North Pole? That's close to Alaska where Sarah Palin lives, isn't it? Please make her president. Please help Alaska seceded from this foul, socialist union. It would give me hope that we're not all doomed to a future of universal health care, religious tolerance, free education or Obama's Nazi death panels."

Another letter implored Kris Kringle to let his reindeer "run over the president instead of some salt-of-the-earth person's grandmother. After my parents put me through Harvard, I got a job at my father's investment firm. I worked hard to get where I am today. And if President Hussein Obama has his way, my taxes will go up by almost four percent. How can you allow him to punish successful people? I could also lose my annual bonus. With Obamacare looming, my company is threatening to cut my bonus to $4 million this year. I don't know how I'll be able to give my children the gifts they deserve. Or how I could sit at the dinner table, with a meager Bob Cratchit spread, and face my family as a failure after all those lectures about the rewards of hard work."

"Dear Santa, I hope this letter finds you well," wrote a plumber named Bill from the North Viaduct area. "I thought you was supposed to bring presents to the people on the nice list, but since Barack Obama beat Mitt Romney in the election, I think you got your naughty list mixed up. And because you let this happen, we got gays and wicked, loose women ruining our great nation. Obama let homos back in the military. What happened? Our embassy in Libya got attacked. Now we got gay marriage all over the place, destroying traditional families. Look at General Petraeus -- his marriage fell apart, just like mine. For the same reasons. Gays making us lose our way and have indiscriminate sex outside the marriage bed. Then we got uppity women out there getting themselves raped and having abortions. Please kill these baby murders. And since Barack Obama is from Africa, please let him follow Uganda's lead and pass one of them 'Kill a Gay' laws. In the name of merciful Jesus on his birthday, please send these sodomites to hell."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.
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