Monday, September 26, 2016

Ted Cruz Endorses Trump for His Radical Honesty

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just months after a heated rivalry that ended in flared tempers and insults, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) made a stunning about-face Friday and endorsed Donald Trump’s presidential campaign -- even though he adamantly refused to during the Republican National Convention. Trump famously denigrated Heidi Cruz, the senator’s wife, and implied that Cruz’s father participated with Lee Harvey Oswald in the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Ironically, representatives for Cruz said those are precisely the reasons for the recent support. “Let’s face it, Senator Cruz understands what a terrible, awful monster he is,” a spokesperson confessed. “Yes, Mr. Trump insulted his wife and called his dad a murderer. But Ted Cruz respects Trump’s radical honesty. And that's what we need in the White House.”

The Hateful War of Hurtful Words

“Lyin’ Ted Cruz just used a picture of Melania from a G.Q. shoot in his ad. Be careful, Lyin’ Ted, or I will spill the beans on your wife!” Trump tweeted on March 22.

Of the senator’s Cuban father, Rafael, Trump told an interviewer on May 3: “His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being -- you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death? Before the shooting? It’s horrible.”

Cruz responded by publicly denouncing his adversary after Trump secured the RNC nomination: “I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and attack my father.”

But Cruz, an immigrant from Canada, considers the United States his true home. Though his hopes for the White House were dashed and his candidacy crushed, Cruz believes this country needs a radical shift in leadership.

“Ted Cruz realizes that his presidency would have eviscerated civil rights, destroyed the lives of every American woman, abolished access to medical care for millions, and left the economy in a state of ruin not seen since the burning of Pompeii,” Cruz’s representative said. “Ted Cruz may be a conniving, lying, degenerate psychopath, but he loves America. And Ted Cruz feels that this great nation deserves better than Ted Cruz. Trump, by dragging out the mountain of skeletons from the Cruz family closet, has proven to possess the honesty, integrity and grit we deserve.”

The Cruz Gallery of Rogues

In context of his father’s alleged involvement in Kennedy’s killing, Cruz himself validated the claim to the media, saying, “While I’m at it, I guess I should go ahead and admit, yes, my dad killed JFK. He is secretly Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa is buried in his backyard.”

When Donald Trump threatened to “spill the beans” on Heidi, many anticipated lurid revelations of a sex scandal involving Mitt Romney’s dancing equestrians, a performance of auto-erotic asphyxiation by Rick Perry, Herman Cain delivering meaty pizzas in assless chaps, and Christine O’Donnell, adorned in a pointy witch’s hat, chanting imprecations over a Ouija board. Instead, the nation discovered a more frightening sort of creature.

Heidi Cruz was a stealthy Bush operative. She helped draft the architecture of NAFTA, which has killed millions of jobs in this country. She was a member on the Council on Foreign Relations, which her own husband described as a “nest of snakes that seeks to undermine national sovereignty.” And she also worked for Goldman Sachs, where she helped obscure Sen. Cruz’s financial disclosures during a contested leg of his presidential race.

“Mr. Cruz admits that he and his family are, and I quote, ‘filthy immigrants bent on perverting weaknesses in the American naturalization process to infest the country with the virus of of Ayn Rand,’” Cruz’s spokesperson said.

“Because the senator is a terrifying, fear-mongering, racist, misogynistic, homophobic Republican hate peddler, nobody’s going to question his allegiance to our flag or demand to see his papers,” the spokesperson added.

Rafael Cruz came north from Cuba. Ted Cruz penetrated Uncle Sam by thrusting south from Canada. Both countries enjoy thriving socialized health care and welfare systems, which Sen. Cruz worked tirelessly to overthrow here. As a firsthand witness to the political perils of a healthy, educated society -- one that typically shuns oligarchies and theocracies -- Cruz devoted his career to hobbling legislation aimed at fostering too much universal good.

The Affordable Care Act marked Cruz’s most arduously fought battle in Congress. With its insidious Death Panel clause, Obamacare represented the Democrats’ cleverly concealed effort to kill the infirm and elderly.

“When satirist Jonathan Swift wrote ‘A Modest Proposal,’ he never meant for it to become this administration’s playbook, but it has,” Cruz said.

Members of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services were confused by the Republican Party’s opposition, clarifying that the Death Panel initiative was crafted to elicit bipartisan approval.

“The entire purpose of the Death Panels is to reform and eventually abolish welfare programs such as Social Security, Medicare and food stamps -- all things Republicans claim they want to destroy,” emphasized a colleague of Kathleen Sebelius, the former secretary of the agency. “In fact, by formalizing legislation to kill off old white people, the mentally ill and other undesirables, our plan immediately removes the greatest strains on the tax system.”

As Cruz representatives observed, “Unfortunately, these are people most likely to vote Republican. Mr. Cruz was merely looking out for his constituency.”

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.


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