SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), dubbed the least popular governor in America, ordered the state to close a taxpayer-funded beach during one of the busiest holiday celebrations of the summer. This weekend, revelers hoping to enjoy some sun and quality time on the sands of Island Beach State Park found the popular destination off limits -- to everyone but Chris Christie, who turned a public playground into his private Mar-a-Lago. Citizens of New Jersey erupted in fury after learning that miles of coastline would be roped off to accommodate Gov. Christie. But his aides explained that the governor’s “unnaturally immense stature” and past security incidents necessitated the action. “Last year, a horde of frantic children broke past security and desperately tried to push the governor into the water, screaming something about him being beached,”a spokesperson clarified.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For Donald Trump, sharing state secrets with any interested foreign actor has become a sort of proving ground in a rite of passage to be accepted as a legitimate global leader -- a way to validate that he holds genuine power and knowledge. But as his approval rating plummets into an abyss of historic lows, even among right-wing pollsters, Trump has found himself perched atop a fulcrum on which his authority and ability to command teeter. He has become desperate to reassert his image of brash confidence and superior insight. So beginning on June 1, restaurants at Trump’s Palm Beach resort will treat curious diners to confidential secrets that promise to be juicier than their overcooked, cloth-textured steaks. For $500, visitors to Mar-a-Lago may purchase fortune cookies that contain one piece of classified U.S. intelligence (limit one cookie per guest).

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill O’Reilly’s ouster from Fox News, amid revelations of a costly sexual harassment cover up, has also put President Trump in an awkward and embarrassing predicament. At the end of March, Trump declared April 2017 to be National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Some progressive opponents accepted the gesture, hoping for an earnest commitment from the White House, even if politically motivated. Others derided the president’s sentiments as ironic and brazen, citing examples of his misogynistic exploits, including a public defense of O’Reilly. When questioned about Trump’s support of O’Reilly, Press Secretary Sean Spicer reluctantly admitted that the president’s intent with National Sexual Assault Awareness Month was to honor the “perverts, rapists and sexual predators who represent the values of America’s great leadership, and who have fueled a thriving patriarchy that created the most powerful nation in the world.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Early Monday morning, a video emerged showing a passenger being violently ejected from a United Airlines flight headed for Louisville from Chicago. The 69-year-old doctor was forcibly dragged from the overbooked plane when he refused to “voluntarily” give up his seat to accommodate United employees who had arrived late. The extremity of the incident, captured in graphic images, has sparked a Congressional investigation into the air carrier’s compliance with oversales rules. To make matters worse, United’s PR department and CEO released vague and baffling explanations of the passenger’s bloody expulsion, defending the police and ground crew for their hyperbolic handling of the situation. Late Monday evening, facing criticism for its tone-deaf messaging, United provided another clarification, stating that the passenger could have diffused the fraught standoff by offering authorities a Pepsi.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s angst-ridden, improvised and largely incoherent press conference Thursday underscored the frazzled state of his administration. The president has lost substantial ground on key issues and cabinet appointments. Courts have refused to reinstate the contentious Muslim travel ban, stores everywhere are ditching Trump brands, Michael Flynn tendered his resignation and Andrew Puzder, Trump’s pick for labor secretary, withdrew as a nominee. Puzder was formerly chief executive of CKE Enterprises, which owns fast food mainstays Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. However, his departure has unintentionally delivered another devastating blow. Without Puzder in office to oversee the massive workforce reforms promised to restaurant industry leaders, CKE announced that it would no longer be pursuing the Ivanka Trump Glamor Meal -- a desperate, last-ditch attempt to save the First Daughter’s failing fashion line.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 2, Nordstrom announced that it would stop carrying merchandise produced under Ivanka Trump’s label because of poor performance and declining sales. Just days later, the president fired back at the luxury retailer for dropping his daughter’s brand. The bizarre reaction drew fire from critics who accused Trump of violating ethics rules, using his office to settle business disputes and for abandoning an intelligence briefing to chastise the prominent department store. However, as Sean Spicer told the press, Nordstrom’s decision was a personal attack on the president -- a felony crime that warranted an immediate response. Since then, millions of Americans have rallied behind the treasonous company, forcing Trump to issue a warning on Thursday that he may “call in the Feds.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If offered a two-for-one deal at Trump Tower Grille, most reasonable people would pass on the prospect of receiving another gristly pool of amorphous, moldering gravy drowning an unknown substance resembling a human thumb. But if the deal involved taking away two Trump Grille menu items and reducing the punishment to only one entree, the disgust factor would be lessened. This is Trump’s logic in passing a new two-for-one points system -- a sort of Weight Watchers approach to cutting the nation’s regulatory fat, but with the sickly long-term damage of the Atkins Diet.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Michael “Jim” Delligatti, the man who created the iconic Big Mac sandwich and unwittingly poisoned generations of Americans, died in his home Monday. He was 98. Though not the name or face most people associate with McDonald’s, Delligatti was the pioneer who perfected one of the fast food giant’s most recognizable items. He opened his first franchise in 1957. He came to own and operate an additional 47 chains, making him one of the largest franchise holders in the company’s annals. Not only did Delligatti introduce the nation to the Big Mac, he also proved instrumental in developing the equally infamous breakfast fare, making him one of the most prolific, albeit unintentional, killers in American history.