SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a startling political maneuver Monday, the San Narciso County chapter of the Tea Party -- the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- filed a motion with officials to ban all future Memorial Day celebrations within county lines. Not until Tuesday did the group make public its reasoning behind the petition. Confusion over ARSWYPE’s motives overshadowed the remembrance ceremonies held at Lake Inverarity and Porpentine Mound Cemetery in Bennington Vale. But for all the theories offered, Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of ARSWYPE, finally clarified his group’s intent: “ARSWYPE considers Memorial Day the most offensive affront to conservative icon Ronald Reagan, and it must be abolished.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- More than 12,000 people registered with Be the Match to donate bone marrow just two weeks after "Good Morning America" anchor Robin Roberts announced she was being treated for MDS, a rare blood disease that requires a bone marrow transplant. According to Be the Match, "a significant number of those requests referenced Robin Roberts." Jeffrey Chell, the organization's chief executive, praised Roberts for publicly revealing her crisis to a broad television audience, a decision he described as a "signal of hope." Because of the spike in new registrants -- a 33-percent increase in donors for the month -- Be the Match estimates that 50 to 70 additional lives may be saved this year as a direct result of Roberts calling attention to the issue. Dr. Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College, was elated by the news. Not because he cares about MDS or Robin Roberts in any meaningful way, but because the situation illustrates a fundamental truth in his area of research: without celebrities to convey important news, embrace causes, or spread awareness of horrible ailments, the public would never understand or involve themselves in those issues.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Country music legend Glen Campbell’s been walking these streets so long, singing the same old song, and he knows every crack in those dirty sidewalks of Broadway. Unfortunately, that’s about to change. The 75-year-old musician admitted that he has Alzheimer’s disease. Campbell and his wife Kim went public with the diagnosis on Wednesday, which they said doctors confirmed six months ago when the singer complained about episodes of short term memory loss. “In a few months,” said one doctor, “it’s likely that Mr. Campbell will have trouble remembering the lyrics to that same old song. After a year, he won’t recognize any of those cracks in the sidewalks along Broadway.”

Campbell told fans that he will make the most of this time, while his memory remains intact, by recording a final album and hitting the road for a farewell tour. The record is tentatively titled, “Who am I? Who the F**k are You?”

Interestingly, medical experts say that Campbell’s particular type of Alzheimer’s is a unique and reciprocal form of the disorder that affects only public figures.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a startling political maneuver on Friday, San Narciso’s largest conservative committee -- the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- filed a motion with officials to ban all future Memorial Day celebrations within county lines. Not until Tuesday did the group make public its reasoning behind the petition. Speculation about ARSWYPE’s motives overshadowed the remembrance ceremonies held at Lake Inverarity and the Porpentine Mound cemetery in Bennington Vale. But for all the theories offered, Carlisle Olden-Whitely, the chairman of ARSWYPE, finally clarified his group’s intent: “ARSWYPE considers Memorial Day the most offensive affront to conservative icon Ronald Reagan, and it must be abolished.”