Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Timely Bowling Scandal Diverts Attention from Rex Ryan Foot Fetish Videos

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- More personal problems beset the beleaguered New York Jets football team today when several media outlets questioned coach Rex Ryan about foot fetish videos posted on the Internet featuring he and his wife, Michelle. A report shows a number of videos starring a woman who looks very much like Michelle Ryan posing her feet in suggestive positions before a cameraman who sounds like Rex Ryan.

This latest incident follows two other notable controversies for the team. Sal Alosi, the strength and conditioning coach, was suspended indefinitely earlier this month for tripping a Dolphins player during a punt return. Prior to that, the league launched an investigation into whether a Jets player harassed reporter Ines Sainz during a practice. But a new scandal rocking the bowling world could divert attention away from the public’s fascination with Rex Ryan’s fascination with his wife’s feet.

New York Jets Coach Confused on Origins of Football
For Jets fans and management, the main concern of the leaked fetish films is determining the impact this distraction will have on the Jets before their crucial game with Chicago. Ryan assured supporters that the team has not lost its focus, but he begrudgingly admitted that he has been living a lie for decades.

“When I first got involved in football, I really had no idea what it was about. You can’t blame me, the name is confusing. All I knew as a young man is here’s a whole bunch of like-minded people sharing a mutual passion. Here’s a pastime that involves feet and balls. After I discovered what the game was really about, I just decided to play along. It was a very insecure time in my life.”

Uproar in Professional Bowling Community Overshadows Fetish Videos
But even as the sports world attempts to recover from the Rex Ryan foot fetish scandal, it finds itself mired in yet another public spectacle. Three-time PBA tour champion Slim “Fats” Fettwanst is suing Lurlene Jenks, owner of the “Preemptive Strikes” bowling alley just outside of Bennington Vale. Jenks stands accused of damaging Fettwanst’s equipment during a crucial moment in the final rounds of the tournament.

“She strolled over to my lane and kicked my ball sack, just as casual as you please,” Fettwanst told reporters who attended a conference with the bowler and his attorney. “At first, I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to do. It’s not everyday that a young woman attacks your ball sack. It hurt me, deep inside. Why would someone do something like that to a man’s ball sack?”

Despite the initial pain of the incident, Fettwanst said he took a break to recover and then decided to continue playing with his balls, even though he was beginning to harbor misgivings about their condition.

“Afterward, everything just seemed off,” Fettwanst continued. “I’d built up a bunch of momentum, but then the mood was killed. No matter how I twisted my wrist or gripped my balls or experimented with different fingering techniques in my holes, I couldn’t get out of the gutter. I knew something was wrong with my balls.”

Officials suspended play to investigate Fettwanst’s balls for damage or foul play.

“We had no choice but to halt the game after Fats asked us to check his balls,” said Lyle Klepsturdinger, head referee for the PBA. “Sure enough, we found that his ball sack had been bruised pretty bad when Ms. Jenks kicked at it. Maybe it was the pointy shoes she was wearing or the sheer force of the kick, but she managed to rupture Fats’ ball sack and dent both of his balls.”

Investigators for the PBA have yet to establish a motive for the seemingly unprovoked assault. Ms. Jenks could not be reached for comment.

Although Mr. Fettwanst appears likely to win his suit, he expressed displeasure with the lack of attention he believes his story will receive. “It might be news now, but bowling doesn’t get equal time in sports. If someone had fondled Tiger Woods’ bag, we would’ve heard about it all over ESPN. Folks’d be a lot more upset if Tiger had trouble getting his balls in the hole, but then he doesn’t seem to have that problem.”

PBA’s primary sponsor, Lumber Liquidators, has temporarily pulled advertising from the tour. A spokesperson for the company said, “It’s not that we don’t support Mr. Fettwanst or the PBA in general, it’s just that our research indicates people have trouble focusing on wood after hearing about ball sacks being kicked.”

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