Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Tucker Carlson Joins PETA, Calls for Michael Vick’s Execution

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Tucker Carlson, a conservative media personality and recovering bow-tie enthusiast, roiled the already muddied waters of sports and politics today by calling for the execution of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick. While football fans and sports reporters attributed the comments to Vick’s performance against Minnesota on Tuesday night, Vick’s former tailor says the controversy stems from Carlson finding a three-year-old newspaper and discovering that Vick tortured, drowned, and hanged pit bulls. Outraged, Carlson donated thousands of dollars to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and demanded that police arrest and kill Vick using the same methods the football star employed to dispatch his animals.

Vick’s Arrest
In 2007, while pursuing a drug investigation involving Davon Boddie, the cousin of Michael Vick, authorities discovered evidence of an illegal dog fighting operation on Vick’s property in rural Virginia. As the investigations progressed, gruesome details of abuse, torture, forced-rape breeding techniques, and executions fueled public outrage. Vick and three co-conspirators were found guilty. Vick served 19 months in a federal penitentiary.

Ironically, the incarceration advanced Vick’s career. A Philadelphia Eagles spokesperson said the arrest convinced them to offer Vick a position on the team.

“We didn’t want a cry baby like Tom Brady or a complete waste of life like Ryan Fitzpatrick. Prison hardens a man’s soul. Plus, we understand that Vick learned to be a receiver during his time inside, which makes him a strong utility player.”

Dog Fighting
Dog fighting is a simple yet brutal sport. Poorly socialized or overly aggressive dogs, often pit bulls, are bred and trained to be vicious. These animals, sometimes referred to as “athletes,” are then forced to fight each other in a small arena while spectators bet on the winner. Insiders say that the presence of performance enhancing drugs is not uncommon.

“Dogfighters,” explained PETA executive Lucius Blicero, “will inject the athletes with stimulants before a fight. Lately, they’ve been using a steroid called dexamethasone to reduce pain and speed the body’s ability to rebuild damaged muscle tissue.”

Blicero also noted the athletes’ predisposition for rape. “It’s just inhumane. We are recording dramatic increases in athletes raping females, taking performance enhancing drugs, and then fighting each other in rings while drunken crowds cheer them on. Can you imagine the outcry if that were happening in the world of professional sports with human athletes? The entire industry would shut down.”

Tucker Carlson Wants Vick Dead
Tucker Carlson suggested to reporters today that Michael Vick deserves nothing less than execution for sanctioning the maiming, torture, and murder of hundreds of dogs.

“Let the punishment fit the crime,” Carlson said. “I wonder how he [Vick] would like being tethered to a breeding stand and then raped by a bunch of aggressive, imprisoned animals.”

James Urban, one of Vick’s coaches, criticized Carlson for the remarks.

“It’s in poor taste,” Urban said in a prepared statement. “Michael served over a year in prison. I think he knows exactly how that feels, and Tucker Carlson bringing this up three years after the fact comes off as a desperate ratings ploy.”

Carlson defended his statements and his newly found love of animals as a religious imperative.

"I'm a Christian. I've made mistakes myself. I wore a bow-tie for years. That was a mistake. You know who else in politics wore a bow-tie? Illinois Representative Paul Simon, a Democrat from Obama’s state. Basically, a terrorist. I believe fervently in second chances. But Michael Vick killed dogs. And he did so in a heartless and cruel way. And I think, personally, he should've been executed for that."

But Bennington Vale resident Lowell Bland, Carlson’s former tailor and bow-tie designer, says that the pundit’s indignation has more to do with politics than his faith in Christ.

“Don’t you find the timing too coincidental?” Bland asked, referring to last weeks’ revelation that President Obama had inserted himself directly into the Vick scandal. “The White House confirmed that Obama called [Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie] to thank him for giving Vick another chance. Well, I believe his actual words were, ‘for hooking a [expletive deleted] up.’”

Carlson refused to return The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript’s calls, but a source close to Carlson validated Bland’s comments.

“I’m pretty sure the President didn’t use the n-word,” the source said, “but I think the tailor isn’t too far off base. Obama doesn’t like dogs either. He never wanted one. It was Ted Kennedy who forced that mutt on them. You have to look at the facts, especially from Tucker’s perspective as a devout Christian of some kind. Every conservative knows that Obama is a closeted, radical Muslim. And in Islam, dogs are filthy, wild, unclean scavengers. If a dog licks you and you’re a Muslim, then you have to undergo some elaborate purification ritual or blow up a school or something. I’m pretty sure it was Obama’s phone call to Lurie that sparked this, though.”

Regardless of the reason, PETA’s Lucius Blicero said that he is overjoyed to have the star power of Carlson’s celebrity behind the organization.

“It doesn’t matter what prompted this,” Blicero beamed. “It really doesn’t. What matters is that Tucker Carlson understands that while humans might overlook things like rape and steroids in sports, animals have more reason to be protected. Animals ruled this planet before we showed up. And they will rule again after we’re gone. We should be subservient to them. Without animals we wouldn’t be here.”

As proof, Blicero pointed out that Joseph and Mary never would have reached the manger without their donkey. Blicero then cited what he called “mountains of documented evidence” of times past when jungle animals still communicated in perfect English to humans. In one case, according to Blicero, jungle animals raised an abandoned boy until he was old enough to return to civilization on his own. That boy turned out to be John Clayton, son of Britain’s Lord Greystoke. Blicero also recalled an incident in India, where a baby named Mowgli was returned to a human village by a talking panther and bear.

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