ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- Postal workers at the North Pole were inundated today by millions of letters from children who received video game systems instead of the two front teeth they requested.
"I've been good all year," nine-year-old Barry Nostrom lisped, "why didn't Santa bring me my teeth?"
"What am I supposed to do with this thing?" a disgusted Maggie Rose sniped upon opening a new Wii system with a full Rock Band kit. "I can't chew my food. My friends make fun of me. And I get these stupid games?"
Parents all over the world are helping their children draft expletive-ridden letters of complaint to Santa Claus, demanding restitution or at least an explanation.
"Our children deserve better than this," protested one angry father. "A scooter for Jimmy, a dolly for Sue, the kind that will even say, 'How do you do?' It's crap. Worthless crap. With the way health costs have spiraled out of control, it's not like we can afford to take our kids to the dentist. What the hell, Santa?"
A spokesperson for North Pole Distribution and Operations Ltd. (NPDOL) said Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment. Analysts suspect that North Pole elves may have entered into collective bargaining agreements with video game manufacturing unions, but inside sources say that Santa's socialist political stance has caused friction between the North Pole and health care lobbies.
"They're [dentists] are not having it," a senior lobbyist for the U.S. Chamber of Commerce stated. "With the threat of new oversight and public options, health care administrators aren't getting their Christmas bonuses this year. And that means nothing under the tree for dentists in their programs. So Santa's free ride is over. He's a huge part of this problem. Dentists across the United States lose billions of dollars every Christmas when Santa undercuts them by fixing all the Halloween damage for free. And this is what happens: the consumers pay the price."
Many toy makers in Eastern Europe and Asia have recently bowed to similar pressures applied by health care lobbyists. "They threatened our existing insurance agreements if we continued to help Santa. We just don't have the political influence or reach of these groups," said one manufacturer. "Regardless of his reputation, I don't know how Santa could really compete if the health care lobbies chose to strong arm him."
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