Sunday, December 12, 2010

Metrodome Roof Deflates, Crushing Hopes of Men and Women Seeking Time Apart During Game

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The roof of the landmark Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, where the Vikings play their home games, deflated early Sunday morning, along with the hopes of men across the United States who now face the very real threat of spending Monday night at home with their spouses and children.

Plagued by vicious weather during the week and blizzards over the weekend, NFL officials had already postponed the Vikings-Giants game. Crews sent in to assess the damage said that the roof could not be repaired in time for Monday’s game. Although the damage is not believed to be extensive, officials fear for the safety of workers attempting to clear the snow off the dome in high winds.

Damage Report
Two of the dome’s triangle-shaped Teflon panels suffered damage. The roof is made up of 10 acres of Teflon-coated panels and weighs approximately 580,000 pounds.

“If you ask me, it’s one of the most ridiculous engineering blunders I’ve ever seen,” said Rolf Schultz, a construction consultant, formerly of KBR, called in to inspect the Metrodome.

“First, you got all these Teflon panels. Clearly, they don’t work. What happened to all that ‘no-stick surface’ bupkis? Every time I burn eggs in the pan at home, which is damn near every time I cook eggs, that goop sticks to the Teflon. Why should a ton of snow be any different? But the stupidest part is that they made the whole damn thing inflatable. They’re using balloons -- you know, like those blow-up yard decorations you get at Costco, the kind with Santa in a snow globe or something -- they’re using that stuff to support close to 600 thousand pounds of no-stick frying pans. Here’s my advice, Metrodome, pay for a real roof. Look at the homes and business in the neighborhoods around you. They’re still intact. Buy something like that. Shouldn’t be too hard to find. Helluva lot easier than docking the Hindenburg to your stadium. Oh, the humanity.”

Repairing the Metrodome promises to be an expensive undertaking, but the collapse of the roof also represents a wider economic collapse across the country. Operators of sports bars, restaurants and pubs make the bulk of their profits from major sporting events.

One bar owner, originally from the Twin Cities, lamented, “With the NFL scrambling to find a new venue for the game, we may have to cancel our celebration. I mean, who wants to watch the game at Giant’s Stadium? Nobody really thinks the Giants are going to keep going, right? As long as Favre stops sending pictures of bratwurst to hostesses at the games, the Vikings should take the ring. Here’s the thing, we’ve spent a lot of money on Vikings-themed knick-knacks, food and decorations. If no one shows up or if the game’s delayed again, I’m out a lot of money.”

A competing pub owner, formerly of  New York, reminded customers that the Vikings are actually 22 out of 32 in the league, while the Giants are on top. “I think it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to them [Vikings],” the owner said. “Now people have a reason to feel sorry for them and cheer them on. Garrison Keillor can write a little story about their hopes and dreams crashing down on them with their silly blimp roof. But if mythology teaches us anything, it’s that Vikings can’t fight Giants. That’s why there aren’t any of them left. It’s Destiny Calling, Charlie Brown.”

But the real collateral damage, according to psychologists, is the impact to the morale of men and women across the nation.

One therapist told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript, “You have no idea the amount of planning and hope that goes into Monday Night Football. Elaborate excuses for missing dinner are devised by husbands, often involving a large network of accomplices. And when it’s out in the open, men demonstrate an otherwise dormant ability to organize and plan that baffles most efficiency experts. For a moment in time, they get to pretend that they control their own destinies, that they are empowered, that they have some say in decisions that affect their lives. But now, after all that work, men are being told to forget about the game and go home to their wives and children -- essentially telling them that even football is a capricious and unreliable dream for them. Why not just tell them, ‘Your God is dead?’”

Conversely, American women also suffer the consequences of a canceled sporting event. During the absences of their husbands, women make plans to rejuvenate and do the things for themselves they often have little time for when simultaneously taking care of their careers and their families. Enjoying a relaxing bath, drinking a glass of wine, reading Oprah’s new book selection, downloading porn or even watching the big game themselves -- without the constant, helpless interruptions of their husbands -- are luxuries afforded to American women only during these times.

Said one Bennington Vale resident, “If those jackholes really cancel this game, I’ll be taking care of eight children tomorrow -- my daughter, my husband and his seven moronic co-workers. Please, NFL, fix the stinking roof already.”