Monday, December 13, 2010

New York Jets Coach Caught Tripping Dolphin

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Sal Alosi, the New York Jets’ strength and conditioning coach, is always telling his players to “get into the game.” And Alosi leads by example. As proof, Alosi got into the game himself on Sunday when he stuck out his knee and tripped Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll as the rookie ran along the sidelines to cover a punt. Officials are continuing their review of the incident, but sources inside the NFL have questioned Alosi’s tactics given that the Jets currently occupy the number six position in the league while the Dolphins have found themselves in an abysmally lower rank. Despite the trip, the Dolphins emerged victorious.

“I made a mistake that showed a total lapse in judgment,” Alosi said in a statement released by the Jets. “I meant to take Carroll out of the game completely. Unfortunately, he got right back up uninjured and beat us anyway.”

Although Alosi will likely incur punitive fines as a result of his actions, a misunderstanding between animal rights activists and the NFL has further complicated matters.

After learning of the incident, the radical People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) organization filed a lawsuit against the Jets. However, Dell Wurthingblat, who heads up the marine mammal division of the group, says that PETA has since retracted the claim after meeting with NFL officials this morning.

“You can’t blame us,” said Wurthingblat. “When we read in the news that a New York football coach was caught tripping dolphin, we acted immediately.”

Wurthingblat explained that the term “tripping dolphin” is used to describe a cruel method of hunting dolphins and then eating them raw. “When dolphins are frightened, they release a chemical that permeates the fat tissues in their bodies. Ingesting dolphin meat soon after this chemical is secreted can produce a narcotic sensation in humans, often described as a kind of euphoria.”

Quickly after the motion was filed by PETA’s attorneys, representatives from the NFL contacted the group and showed them video of the incident.

Responded Wurthingblat, “Well, our faces have a little egg on them. I mean, they don’t because we’re against consuming eggs, but you know what I’m saying. Look, we don’t get out much or watch sports. The misunderstanding, we feel, was justified. It’s not like the NFL has a spotless reputation where animal rights go. Hello, Michael Vick. But regardless of the situation, I have to say that this Sal Alosi guy is a real jackhole. Really. I don’t agree with Michael Vick, but I get what he was doing. Alosi, though? What the hell was he thinking? We’re hoping to use this misunderstanding to put more pressure on the NFL to ban the use of animals in team names. This might just be a victory for us yet.”

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