Friday, December 31, 2010

Horrifying Indiana Earthquake Spurs Mellencamp Divorce

Courtesy of TV Guide
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. -- After 20 years of marriage, Indiana-based musician John Mellencamp and his wife, model Elaine Mellencamp, have announced their separation. A divorce is expected early in 2011. A representative for the family says that the Mellencamps "are proud of their 20 years together and are very happy with their accomplishments both as parents and as a family."

The couple had originally intended to stay in Indiana to raise their children, but friends think the Mellencamps will relocate -- especially after surviving what Hoosiers called an apocalyptic earthquake, and Californians largely ignored.

Said one cousin in Muncie, “That killer earthquake that rattled the place yesterday really gave Johnny a scare. He says to me, ‘Earl,’ he says, ‘that shaker nearly milked the piss out of me. It was like the world was a baby and God was a frazzled British nanny, just shaking away. I realized that life’s too short. Elaine did too. There’s no animosity, just living life.’”

Others dispute this idea and claim that the marriage was riddled with problems. Nadia Rentsey, a former publicist for the Mellencamps, described the relationship as nothing beyond livable hatred.

“If you really take a close look at John’s recent work, you’ll see the expression of pain,” Rentsey said. “His latest album, for example. ‘No Better Than This’ is not a positive sentiment. It’s actually quite a dark acceptance of misery and decay. But I do agree that the awful earthquake we experienced here this week was a huge wake-up call.”

On Thursday, a 4.2 magnitude earthquake rocked Indiana harder than a John Mellencamp song. An earthquake is rare for the area. Seismologists say it’s even rarer than a John Mellencamp song rocking. But after further research, scientists downgraded the terrifying 4.2 temblor to a 3.8.

Geologists at San Narciso College’s Seismic Station laughed about the earthquake.

“I know a 3.8 roller might seem like the End of Days to the hill folk of Indiana, but in California the sub-woofers on a car’s stereo system output higher magnitudes. Honestly, we would’ve slept right through it, even at the higher 4.2 rating.”

John Mellencamp’s friends and supporters insist that regardless of the size of the earthquake, the magnitude of the event itself was life altering to the musician. Friends of Elaine Mellencamp disagree. They believe she’s leaving the nest to expand her sexual frontiers.

“She’s at her peak right now,” said a close friend. “She wants to experiment. And John’s done. Look at him. I mean, he’s like the mutant spawn of Buster Poindexter and Robert Blake’s character in ‘Lost Highway.’ Eeew. The days of John Cougar have come to their end. But the days of Elaine the Cougar are just beginning.”

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