Thursday, December 9, 2010

Westboro Baptist Church to Picket Elizabeth Edwards Funeral

TOPEKA, Kan. -- The controversial Westboro Baptist Church, led by Reverend Fred Phelps and known for its anti-gay and anti-America messages, has scheduled a series of upcoming protests, including picketing the funeral of Elizabeth Edwards. Prior to the passing of Elizabeth Edwards, the church had already slated demonstrations for mid-December in Philadelphia, involving two high schools and a Jewish Community Center. News of the church’s plans to march outside the Edenton Street United Methodist Church in Raleigh, N.C., where Edwards’ funeral is to be held, caused the church’s Web site to crash. Information Technology experts could not say whether the crash was the result of unprecedented traffic or an angry God.

Original Protests
Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) posted on its Web site that its members would go to Archbishop Ryan and Father Judge High Schools in Philadelphia on December 20 to provide the “demon-possessed brats” with “no knowledge of the Bible” there an understanding of God. A member of the church told reporters, “Our group is going to show the children at this school some truth for probably the only time in their lives.”

Despite the potential disruption the protest would cause, officials at Archbishop Ryan said they welcomed the demonstrators. “We actually agree with Westboro Baptist. Having these lunatics at the school would certainly show our students some truth. And the truth is, according to Genesis, that ‘the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth.’ We feel that once the children see the true face of the Beast sneering at them from the Westboro congregation, it will be a lot easier to convince them to follow in Christ’s footsteps. We thank Reverend Phelps for this educational opportunity.”

Elizabeth Edwards Protest
Elizabeth Edwards, estranged wife of former Senator John Edwards and a staunch civil rights activist, died December 7 after stopping her cancer treatments the day before. Upon learning of the funeral arrangements, the Westboro Baptist Church announced plans to protest in North Carolina. Reverend Phelps, writing in the church’s blog before the site crashed, said that the protest had less to do with Edwards’ support of gay marriage than it did with her “abomination.”

“The message of Elizabeth Edwards is an affront to God-fearing Christians and an aberration to her maker. This diseased and demonic modern-day Lilith advocates universal health care and women’s rights. This is dangerous rhetoric. First of all, medical science defies the intent of God, just as much as gay, drug-fueled sodomy does. Ask Ted Haggard. And if God strikes you ill with something like cancer, it’s because He wants you off His earth. Why? If you’re Elizabeth Edwards, maybe it’s because you refused to clean the house or satisfy your husband. Of course, if you’re saved, as only members of the Westboro Baptist Church are, it’s to bring you back into the heavenly flock. Either way, prolonging the inevitable through ‘healthy living’ is just giving the Lord the middle finger, right in His holy pooper. And then there’s all this women’s liberation claptrap. Had Eve not eaten the apple, had she displayed an ounce of integrity or smarts enough to know her place under man, the human race would not be condemned as it is now. But no, she pestered and prodded poor Adam into sin. I guess my point is that God hates nags.”

Fred Phelps could not be reached for direct comment. His publicist indicated that he was currently filming “Poltergeist IV,” where he will reprise actor Julian Beck's role as cult leader Reverend Henry Kane.