SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Researchers from Cornell University in California admitted Monday to performing a series of dubiously ethical experiments in 2012 by manipulating the content in random Facebook users’ news feeds to gauge emotional reactions. Creepier still, Facebook suggested that such experimentation is routine, which explains how the project slipped past the eyes of ethics committees. Facebook attempted to defend its actions, stating that its overly vague data use policy allows it do whatever the heck it wants as part of “internal operations, including troubleshooting, data analysis, testing, research and service improvement.” In a follow up announcement, Facebook also revealed that tests after 2012 have involved directly editing the content in users’ posts to make them “more positive. We see suicidal rants all the time; putting a happy spin on them makes others more likely to post, and increases traffic.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As new details emerge about the Justice Department's unsettling encroachment on the freedom of the press, which involved secret searches of electronic records belonging to Associated Press (A.P.) employees, the more dubious and overblown the government's rationale appears. In fact, The A.P. and the Obama administration had discussed the piece in question prior to its publication, although The A.P. broke the story a day before the White House planned an official announcement. "Any details about potential disasters, terrorism or government operations that make their way to the American people before proper scrutiny and validation are considered potential risks to life and limb," Attorney General Eric Holder said. On Wednesday, after what administration insiders described as an acute panic attack, an increasingly paranoid Holder seized all the records from Wikipedia, Britannica Online, countless personal blogs and three publishing houses that sell the writings of Nostradamus.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Ray Bradbury, literary master of science fiction, fantasy and horror, turns 91 today. An Illinois native born in 1920, Bradbury has published over 500 works during his prolific career. In 2000, he was awarded the National Book Foundation’s Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters, and was presented the National Medal of Arts by President and Mrs. Bush in 2004. In a surprising announcement Monday, the San Narciso County school board invited students and community members to a birthday celebration in honor of the author of “Fahrenheit 451.”

“Ray Bradbury’s vision is a guiding force in literature,” said Commissioner Marissa Olden-Whitely, head of the county’s conservative school board. “Unlike so many of his peers, Mr. Bradbury created a world of order where the government operates as an effective agent of the people. With ‘Fahrenheit 451’ as the primary example, Bradbury suggested necessary improvements to society rather than satirical condemnations of proposed policy. So we’re celebrating this great man’s accomplishments today.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards, the San Narciso County school board, following in the footsteps of Texas, has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum. The amendments would highlight the underrated achievements of conservatives, emphasize the role of Christianity in American history and include Republican political philosophies in textbooks.

The board is expected to take a preliminary vote this week on a cornucopia of changes proposed by the seven conservative board members. The group is spearheaded by Commissioner Marissa Olden-Whitely, who made headlines last week after dispatching armed goons to settle a minor Department of Education issue in the county. A final vote is expected in July.