TUPELO, Miss. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a landmark decision Tuesday, a regional German court ruled that the Jewish ritual of circumcision, or brit milah, amounts to grievous bodily harm. In rendering its decision, the court found the "fundamental right of the child to bodily integrity outweighed the fundamental rights of the parents." Legal experts in the country expect the judgment to set a controversial precedent, with members of the Jewish community claiming that Germans once again have trampled their rights. The procedure is typically administered by mohels who are not licensed physicians with proper medical training. Because the practice leads to a permanent change in anatomy and is not performed in the same sterile environment as a hospital, the court in Cologne deemed it illegal. As news reached North America, where some U.S. states could be inclined to follow suit, representatives from Mississippi lashed out, saying that no government possesses the right to dictate the choices a person makes about his body.

“If the kindly folk in that jury believed Mr. Seaton’s hickory dingle had the devil in it, well then they’re going to exonerate the sawbones.” -- Col. Goodman Joseph “Job” Jedediah Lawton-Cluff, Jr., Esq.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In 2007, Phillip Seaton, a 64-year-old truck driver from Waddy, Kentucky, admitted himself to Jewish Hospital Shelbyville for a circumcision, which was performed to an astonishingly liberal degree by urologist Dr. John Patterson. Seaton had expected the procedure to help treat chronic inflammation. Ultimately, it did. When he awoke from the surgery, Seaton discovered that Patterson had amputated his penis. The doctor maintained that he found cancer in Seaton’s member during the surgery, and that it had to be removed as a life-saving measure. The victim, who sued for $16 million in damages, alleged that he never authorized the amputation or received a second opinion. Despite conflicting testimonies from medical professionals and flimsy evidence to support either side, a jury unanimously ruled in favor of the doctor on Thursday.

Even more surprisingly, 2012 GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry declared the judgment a “clear victory for the conservative right and proof that masturbation leads to blindness and disease and the wrath of an angry Lord. There’s your second opinion, Mr. Seaton. This is when science gets it right, and you should be grateful!”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- After two decades of work, doctors and medical researchers in the United States believe they have evidence that abnormally low levels of serotonin -- a chemical in the brain that helps control breathing during sleep -- plays a pivotal role in causing sudden infant death syndrome. This discovery completely flies in the face of conventional Judeo-Christian wisdom, which has attributed the unexplained death of otherwise healthy infants to attacks by the Mesopotamian storm demon, Lilith.