“What the hell kind of sick, indecent, culturally retarded infidel have we put into power?” -- Rush Limbaugh

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since Barack Obama presented his poor forgery of a long-form birth certificate, gullible elements of the public have been reluctant to listen to continued accusations that the president is a Muslim from Kenya. This was a particularly unwelcome setback to conservative mouthpiece and long-time champion of American values, Rush Limbaugh, who had made disseminating the information of Obama’s heritage the cornerstone of his crusade to preserve the integrity of the nation’s highest office. Fortunately, an email about the absence of Obama’s past romances surfaced on Wednesday, helping Limbaugh prove that the president is in fact the most un-American political figure in Washington. “No girlfriends?” Limbaugh asked. “No serious relationships prior to the woman he eventually married? What the hell kind of sick, indecent, culturally retarded infidel have we put into power?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attempting to stanch the persistent distraction of questions concerning his citizenship, President Obama on Wednesday released the long-form birth certificate his incredulous critics have been demanding. The document, signed and sealed, revealed that Obama was born at Kapiolani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital in Honolulu, as he has always claimed. Donald Trump, one of Obama’s most vocal skeptics, expressed triumph with his personal crusade to put the “birther” doubts to rest. “I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully getting rid of this issue,” said Trump.

But he also cautioned against drawing premature conclusions, contending that the document will need to be vetted for authenticity. More shockingly, Tea Party Republicans in Congress have now announced the formation of an exploratory committee to determine whether Hawaii is legitimately a U.S. state.