SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Key Republican leaders are still reeling from the shock of Rep. Eric Cantor’s (R-Va.) crushing defeat Tuesday by political neophyte Dave Brat, a darkhorse Tea Party candidate. A day later, political analysts and GOP strategists continue to scratch their heads as they work to deduce how an unknown, inexperienced academic handily dethroned the man who would have become successor to House Speaker John Boehner. In a related story, Boehner wept openly at the news of Cantor’s loss when reporters cornered him at Trattoria Alberto, his favorite Capitol Hill eatery. He also sniveled when he discussed his deep affection for the restaurant, breaking the record for the most tears shed by a politician -- an honor formerly held by Ed Muskie.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the Labor Day holiday upon us, and the ailing economy showing signs of continued stagnation as employment reports indicate no pickup in job creation during the remaining 16 weeks of 2011, the White House issued a statement Friday redefining Labor Day as a national day of mourning, commiserating the loss of America’s workforce, strength, middle class, and founding principles.

Labor Day celebrations were first observed in 1882 as a way of honoring the nation’s booming labor movement, a paragon to the rest of the world and a portent of America’s future might. “Today,” the White House told the country, “that’s all changed. Today, we pay tribute to our fallen co-workers, our foreclosed mortgages, and our friends lost to suicide or in hiding from debt collectors.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- While nobody knows with certainty where Hurricane Irene will strike or with what force, broad swaths of the East Coast from Massachusetts to South Carolina are likely to be hit as the storm barrels toward the U.S. mainland. AIR Worldwide, a catastrophe modeling organization, estimated on Friday that the hurricane had already caused upward of $1.1 billion in insured losses across the Caribbean. For the United States, AIR Worldwide estimates that $4 trillion worth of insured coastal property lies in Irene’s path. The White House advised Americans in vulnerable areas to prepare, then get out of the way. “I cannot stress this highly enough,” President Obama said in statement from his vacation compound in Chilmark, “if you are in the projected path of this hurricane, you have to take precautions now. Don’t wait. Don’t delay. We all hope for the best, but we have to be prepared for the worst.”

But a group of far-right politicians led by Eric Cantor called Obama’s “Chicken Little” scenario a cat’s paw for taking swipes at the economic disasters his administration created. Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso’s Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE), said, “Irene might be the best thing that’s happened to the U.S. economy since Katrina.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Three of the most influential Congressional Republicans were detained by Capitol Police Thursday after leaving the Yetenbi Ethiopian Restaurant on 9th Street without tendering a tip or even paying the tab. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) and Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) -- all pivotal figures in the contested budget debate -- allegedly “ordered enough food to sustain an Ethiopian family for two years” before getting into an argument with the eatery’s management about the amount of the check. After, the trio casually strolled away with the unpaid bill in their hands. Boehner, according to witnesses, picked something out of his teeth, wrapped the soiled toothpick in the bill and then tossed it at the door of the restaurant, leaving behind a curried fart that elicited schoolyard giggles from McConnell and Cantor. Police were summoned immediately.