Courtesy Universal Pictures

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just two days and a few hours of life remaining for the denizens of God’s creation, Judgment Day mouthpiece Harold Camping -- of Christian media leviathan, Family Stations -- has divulged more details about the Second Coming of Christ. In Camping’s latest revelation, he attempts to narrow down the identity of the Antichrist. As foretold in the Book of Revelations, the nemesis of the Lord will likely assume the misleading form of a savior, widely believed to be a politician or an individual holding enormous global sway. Based on Family Stations’ Wednesday broadcast, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the disgraced managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), have become Camping’s two most feasible suspects.

Perhaps it’s no coincide that the final episode of Oprah Winfrey’s long-running, eponymous talk show will fall in line with Earth’s final days. Winfrey’s often been credited as a spiritual woman with friends in high places. But with the guest list cloaked in mystery, fans are asking more dire questions about whom Oprah Winfrey will be parading out to meet them at the End of Days. Based on a Google News search conducted Tuesday afternoon at 2:40 p.m. PDT, the answer could be more disturbing than imagined. Should Oprah supporters worry that the Number of the Beast was revealed in the article counts pertaining to her last show?

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.