SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s Camp Concentration, a privately funded alternative to the nation’s failing public education system, has already gone bankrupt in the earliest stages of development. Sources report that crews had not even broken ground on construction efforts. The announcement represents another major setback for the Republican presidential candidate’s beleaguered campaign. Spokespeople for Trump revealed that the shuttered program cost investors nearly $1 billion in losses, which Trump allegedly diverted to pay off debts he incurred while financing the revitalization of Russia’s nuclear arsenal -- a plan President Vladimir Putin exposed Monday in a decree that suspends a joint agreement with the United States to eradicate surplus weapons-grade plutonium.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For the second time in the nation’s soccer-obsessed history, Brazil saw its hopes of winning a World Cup on home soil dashed. After waiting 64 years and spending nearly $11 billion to host the tournament, Brazil’s forces proved no match for the powerful German blitz. Before 30 minutes had elapsed, invading German troops had launched five successful offensives against Brazil, eventually trampling the host country by a score of seven to one. Sources reported that some Brazilians managed to escape the occupation in tears around halftime, before the Germans razed the area in what was trumpeted as “the final solution to the FIFA problem.”

BERLIN, Germany -- An E. coli outbreak that killed 17 people across Europe has also killed diplomatic ties between certain EU members as political tensions increased over accusations and blame-shifting. Russia announced Tuesday that it had enacted a ban on all European vegetable shipments, even though the embargo would leave its citizens with only beets and turnips as produce choices. The biggest conflict, however, took root between Germany and Spain. Though investigators believe the outbreak originated in Germany, the German government initially placed the blame on cucumbers imported from Spain. In response, Spanish officials accused Germany of an aggressive, inhumane, and misguided campaign of “vegecide.”

WARSAW, Poland -- Archaeologists working to better understand the reign of Hitler and his Third Reich have discovered food coupons for some of the notorious SS doctors at the Auschwitz death camp, including the sadistic Dr. Joseph Mengele.

Nearly 300 documents were found in the attic of a house undergoing renovation in Oswiecim, the town where the Nazis built the Auschwitz-Birkenau camp.