SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- CIA Director David Petraeus, a retired four-star General, resigned his post Friday after admitting to having an extramarital affair. The shocking revelation brought an abrupt close to his brief stint at the CIA and marred a highly lauded national security career. At one time, because of his pristine record, military decorations and exemplary conduct, Petraeus was considered a prospective presidential candidate. White House representatives said he met with President Obama on Thursday to tender his resignation over the infidelity. He had been married 37 years, although military officials said they suspected Petraeus of adultery for some time. The person most rocked by the discovery, however, was General Petraeus himself, who uncovered the scandal after coming across a series of incriminating emails that described an affair he was having with a former military officer named Paula Broadwell.

OP ED, Middle Earth (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- TODAY is my last day at Mordor. After countless ages of terrorizing the misguided yokels and eugenic assassins of Middle Earth -- first as a lieutenant of Melkor, then as Morgoth's second-in-command, and finally as the god-king who forged the One Ring in dismal old Mount Doom -- I believe I have reigned long enough to understand the trajectory of Middle Earth culture, its political tribalism and an environment that is as morally toxic, corrupt and repugnant as Mordor's is physically and aromatically. To put it in the simplest terms, the interests of democracy, equality among races and looking out for the underdog continue to be sidelined by the selfish desires of the blond, pale, pretty elitists who have banded together to vilify me. Why? Because for all their lofty talk of ideals, freedom, salvation and family values, what they're really worried about is having their property values plummet when a gaggle of lower class Orcs move in next door. It's racism, plain and simple. Disguised as virtue. It's disgusting. So, I'm hoping to make a new start in Late Earth -- America or Europe, possibly in banking or politics. Honest work.