SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just four days remaining in the planet’s unraveling circle of life, the grim and inexplicably bizarre omens of Doomsday continue to sweep the globe. The May 21 Judgment Day prophesy of Harold Camping, initially met with vast skepticism, now appears to have gained enough traction to make even the most agnostic among us rethink the inevitability of existence beyond this weekend, due in large part to the media’s tireless reporting of disasters around the world.

“One man in New York spent his entire life savings of $140,000 to help get our message out,” said one of Camping’s representatives from Christian broadcaster Family Stations. “This is precisely what all of us should be doing now. And donating that money to Family Stations may just help grease the palms of our Lord Jesus Christ. The fate of your soul is in His hands, after all. A little proof of your willingness to sacrifice, in honor of His sacrifice, couldn’t hurt.”