SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s insistence that allied powers are monitoring him surreptitiously has not relented. He has accused former President Obama and British spies of tapping his communications. In testimonies given Monday before the House Intelligence Committee, not a single U.S. investigative body found a shred of proof to validate the president’s explosive accusations. But in a stunning revelation Tuesday, a prominent D.C. dentist confessed that Trump scheduled an urgent appointment to have a “tracking device” extracted from his tooth. The president explained that he was a time traveler from the year 2055, who had been sent into the past to stop a virus that will wipe out most of humanity in 2017. Trump also clarified that Barack Obama and Theresa May -- or rather their direct, weirdly eponymous descendants -- lead the shadowy government cabal responsible for ordering his fourth-dimensional transit. They ostensibly surveil his activities through the dental implant.