SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- For nearly three decades, a steady decline in available labor resources had plagued California’s employers. Despite eight years of business-friendly initiatives put in place by the Bush administration, many of the state’s business owners continued to find themselves reeling from the disastrous policies of the Clinton era. “Those were gloomy times for us,” said Barnabas Hamroid, founder of San Narciso's temporary labor juggernaut, The William Tell Staffing Agency. Fighting back tears of frustration and nostalgia, Hamroid sighed, “There were days I feared we’d never quite recover.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Ceremonies will be held today in honor of William Fallopian, a local San Narciso boy turned hero. Fallopian, son of Mike Fallopian, a well known Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the Peter Pinguid Society, works for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) at Los Angeles International Airport. Fallopian garnered national attention last week when, during a routine full body screening, he detected testicular cancer in a traveler waiting for clearance at the security checkpoint.

WARSAW, Poland -- Archaeologists working to better understand the reign of Hitler and his Third Reich have discovered food coupons for some of the notorious SS doctors at the Auschwitz death camp, including the sadistic Dr. Joseph Mengele.

Nearly 300 documents were found in the attic of a house undergoing renovation in Oswiecim, the town where the Nazis built the Auschwitz-Birkenau camp.

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Since the recent incident between Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), which involved the now infamous “groping” scandal, travelers are debating whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations have gone so far as to urge fliers to forgo air travel on November 24, historically the busiest day in airports across the country.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Mae Verdulia is known to many Bennington Vale residents as the off-beat but strangely charming panhandler who begs for change and cigarettes outside Piers Addleson's Pea House. Her coy smile, burlesque potty mouth, and witty attempts to divorce customers from their loose change have earned Verdulia a place in many local hearts. However, it turns out that the seemingly harmless and self-proclaimed hobo is also an 80-year-old career criminal with a record stretching back to 1955.