SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The nation’s oldest Roman Catholic newspaper has riled gay rights groups by posting an editorial claiming that the devil may be responsible for homosexual attraction. The paper, which is run by the Archdiocese of Boston, concluded that “scientific evidence of how same-sex attraction most likely may be created provides a credible basis for a spiritual explanation that indicts the devil.” But religious LGBT advocacy groups condemned the piece as an extreme position promoting ignorance and bigotry, violating “a fundamental belief of our faith; that all people reflect the Divine image and are beloved by God.” They also found it hypocritical.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A woman from Irving, Texas, accused of killing her 6-year-old son and leaving his body on a Maine road pleaded guilty to second-degree murder Friday. Investigators said the woman killed her son at a New Hampshire motel, drove over the border to Maine in her pickup truck, and then left the body on the roadside, covered in a green blanket. The cause of death was ruled as asphyxiation. The suspect told police that she had dosed her son with cold medicine before smothering him with a pillow. She also stated that it took four minutes for the child to die.

When asked why she killed her son, the accused said, “I caught him stealing cookies from the cupboard. He was a criminal, so he faced the ultimate punishment. That’s how we do things in Texas. Perry for President in 2012!”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- An enormous asteroid known by astronomers as 2005 YU 55 will pass closer to Earth than the moon this coming Tuesday, causing consternation and grave concerns for scientists. “It’s the first time since 1976 that an object of this size has passed this closely to the Earth,” said Leo Biederman, who made the grim discovery. “I’m very worried. Ever seen ‘Deep Impact?’ The economy is in the toilet, federal spending is out of control, all wages and prices are frozen, the first black president’s popularity is spiraling down the toilet as he vainly attempts to keep control, and the panicked population places all its hopes in some far-fetched venture called the Messiah to save them from a global-level catastrophe. Let’s just say I’m not making any plans after November 8.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A 35-year-old man from Jacksonville, Fla., was charged Tuesday with 26 counts of cyber-related crimes for hacking. The suspect was arrested on October 12 by federal agents after an 11-month investigation. His victims include Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, Christina Aguilera, and additional people identified only by the initials B.P., J.A., L.B., L.S., D.F. and B.G. Because of the explicit nature of the photographs, authorities worry that the unnamed celebrities may turn out to be Beth Grant, J.J. Abrams, Larry David, Laura San Giacomo, Dave Foley and Brad Garrett. “If nude pictures of these individuals leaked to the press, I can’t imagine the extent of the damage. I’d say half of the American public would need some sort of grief counselling or PTSD treatment,” one FBI official said.

Photo courtesy of Urology

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A local attorney, Randy Cowlmouse, shocked doctors at San Narciso County General on Wednesday morning when he came in complaining of extreme pain and swelling in one of his testicles. Dr. Samuel Saahboehns, the facility’s senior medical director, initially expected to find himself facing a case of severe epididymo-orchitis. “My urologists were fairly certain that ultrasound scans would locate a tumor of some kind, hopefully benign,” Dr. Saahboehns told reporters. “None of us was prepared for the image that appeared on the screen.” Indeed, all attending members of the staff described themselves as astounded to find a human face staring back at them.

“We’re still analyzing the face, which we extracted during the biopsy, but I think it proves an age old theory about men being controlled by their genitals. I mean, there’s a little man living in this patient’s testicles.”